Chief Justice Willy Mutunga helps us deal with ungrateful farmhands

The Honourable Chief Justice of the Republic of Kenya and President of the Supreme Court, Dr Willy Mutunga, we, the hardworking farmers of this sovereign nation respectfully raise our jembes up for you.

We have watched you since you defeated many others and overcame tough interviews to become our CJ. For the past five years, we have watched you and watched over you.

See, looking at you, you are not only healthy and well fed, but it seems too that your uerevu has gone up. You have managed many difficult situations, from noses being pinched to tales of real cash in dollars exchanging hands.

Do you know why you have managed that? Because of us farmers. We have worked hard to feed you. We have explored many farming techniques, grown many food and bred many animals just so you can remain a well fed CJ. Ever since you became CJ, five years ago, we have bred your favourite chicken in many varieties: Kari, kuroiler, rainbow, kuchi, kienyeji and Kenbrow. We have added guinea fowls, kulukulu turkeys, geese, bantams, carlifonian ducks, moscovy ducks, Egyptian geese, quails etc. Your good health suggests you have eaten our quail eggs.

We have raised all manner of goats. Toggenburg, Alpine and Saanen and all cattle varieties. We have planted water melons, mangoes, biringanya, passion fruits, onions and many other cancer-killing plants and fruits.

We have gone to Israel, formed and joined Facebook pages like Farming Kenya, Digital Farmers Kenya, Mkulima Young etc. and bought dogs, quail cages, red worms, rabbit urine, tithonia, omena feeds, molasses, organic fertilisers, ripened cow dung, greenhouses made of juala, soil tests services, drip irrigation pipes.

All this we have done to keep you freshly fed and in tiptop health.

Now, we Kenyan farmers, having broken sweat to ensure you are a great CJ, need you to rudisha mkono. We have a huge problem, a difficult pest called the farmhand - the people who work in our farms to produce fresh foods.

Farmhands are trouble I tell you. They baffle us with their mathematics, their logic, how their relatives, particularly uncles, die many times in a month and so forth. Experts tell us an acre can produce 25 sacks of real maize, yet our farmhands swear we only make three bags.

When they feed our chicken, it takes four weeks to fill an egg-tray. And the chickens keep dying yet we never see their corpses. Every day it is “jembe ilipotea; the neighbour’s dog ate all our rabbits, the milk spilt.”

Aiii! Let me not even mention how fertiliser seem not to work on our shambas under the farmhand’s watch. But more baffling is how our farmhands and their children keep growing fatter and glowingly healthier and moneyed while we the real farmers keep making losses and getting into debt.

Your Lordship, we are tired. Enough is Enough! On the strength of this affidavit, can you, very urgently, create a special court for Kenyan farmers to deal with their farmhands? Please?

While at it, can you throw middlemen in there too? It will be the best farmhand pesticide you will have given us before you retire and become a farmer yourself.