Can an extrovert and introvert really make love work?

 It isn’t that he lacks social skills; he just prefers being quiet (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris!

I love big social events and noisy conversations, but my boyfriend’s just the opposite. He likes being alone and hates small talk. He’s wonderful when it’s just him and me, but I really would like to go to a party together! Will he ever loosen up?

Party Pooper

Chris says,

Hi Party Pooper!

Your boyfriend’s a typical introvert. There are lots of them around, but modern life favours extroverts. So we think that talkers are smarter, more competent and more appealing than the quiet guys.

You, on the other hand, sound like a typical extrovert! And it’s very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert. Like you probably can’t imagine why your boyfriend would want to be on his own.

As a result, introverts tend to be sidelined these days. Extraverts seem to dominate politics, business and social life, which means that their approach to life sets our expectations of what’s normal and desirable. So being outgoing is considered a mark of confidence and leadership, and being described as a ‘people person’ is a compliment. While introverts are described as being reserved, which isn’t!

People tend to think that introverts are snooty, and their lack of small talk is often taken for snobbery. But actually they’re often very intelligent, thoughtful, independent, sensible and sensitive people.

So the chances are that your boyfriend is a treasure! You won’t be able to change him, though, as being an introvert is a very stable part of his personality. It isn’t that he lacks social skills; he just prefers being quiet. Remember that his way of looking at the world was what attracted you towards him in the first place, so enjoy his strengths. Like how nice it is when you two are alone together.

And maybe help him fit in with your interests just a little more. Try persuading him to come to a social event with you for just one hour. Let him make an appearance, have a quick drink, chat to just a few people there and then slip off home. Leaving you to party into the night!

All the best,

Chris