× Digital News Videos Health & Science Opinion Education Columnists Lifestyle Cartoons Moi Cabinets Kibaki Cabinets Arts & Culture Gender Podcasts E-Paper Tributes Lifestyle & Entertainment Nairobian Entertainment Eve Woman TV Stations KTN Home KTN News BTV KTN Farmers TV Radio Stations Radio Maisha Spice FM Vybez Radio Enterprise VAS E-Learning Digger Classified Jobs Games Crosswords Sudoku The Standard Group Corporate Contact Us Rate Card Vacancies DCX O.M Portal Corporate Email RMS
×
VAS

How to tell ya soccer hooliganz

PULSE
By | August 13th 2010

scene at with Smitta Smitten

Nxt week imma gonna tell cha about some neat bashes - including Story-One’s by Muthoni Garland, n Lynn Nerea’s b/day bash, but wit the English Premier League beginning Sato, there’s only one thang for leo – soccer.SIN BIN.

Yes yes, Chelski lost the pre-season Community Shield to loathed footer foes, Manure United! I watched da game at Sin Bin, the neat joint in ‘B’ alongside ole enemy Waholmestead, who luvs Man-U so much he got a giant poster of Wayne Rooney theya (which is why chickas go frigid on him in dat b/room, ha ha).

Also, Tom Mogusu, boo Moothei, Tom Aosa (aka, the president, yur excellency, nataka me vuvuzela mback), Eugene, Jack, buddy Hinga n a whole bunch of bluudy characters, mos of whom cheered wen that ‘hilarious’ Hilario, not a lothario, was chipped for Manure’s third goal dat doomed our beloved Blues to defeat – after which we went ter Tamasha!

Hurlingham, to hurl back some vodoski diesel. Oh well, it’s just a charity shield, n in light of Man-U’s financial shidas, our Russki billionaire saw it fit to donate dat shield to the manures as part of charity!!

Anyway, for the unschooled in socca, esp chicas who can’t tell their spurs from their sofa-miaow miaows, I have devised a "Smi-socca-quizzy" to saidia.One – who killed JM Kariuki?

Chelsea fans will quickly tell yu dat it was one-a Mzee’s top cops who gone done de dastardly deed, back in dat mad March of ’75!

Arsenal fanz, die-hards of conspiracy theories (fanned n fuelled by the mad Arsene Wenger who thinks refs/the FA/Barcelona/God) is against his ‘young boys’, will tell yu it is Idi Amin who killed ‘Njay Emu’ (na ka sio dat baba, Amin Dada, they’ll tell-ya twas the young Onyancha, sucker sevente fae).

Man-U fans, thick as bricks, think he was out on a forest walk wen hyenas pounced on him, before he cud bounce! As 4 Liverfools, they go "JM who?"Two – Watt they drive (in their dreamz).

Chelski fans, if they got the cheddar, will always buy a car dat is as manly as Drogba – like a range rover (ngoja tu, after ‘Clearly Ash’ le caldina – n after I stop pintin’ heh heh, a Monista). Man-U fanz like flashy wheels, juzz like their glitzy team. Tinsel chisels dat dey are, given the chance, its sporty tricks. Arsenal fans, young at heart n infantile at mind, dream of Vitzes n Impressas. N Liverpool fans?

They walk – but not alone! In crowds, alongside de o’baro.Three- where they live.

Chelski fanz are practical peeps, n will live conveniently near any centre of achshun. Nai West, South B,C n LA suit em juzz fwayne! Man-U fanz always aspire to be up-town, even if they have to squeeze themselfos into a rat-hole in Kile, Karen or Westie, so as to look aspirational n upwardly mobile. Arsenal fanz? Anywhere cheap will do. The cheaper it is for a goon, the better (just like stinky, er, stingy Arsene Wenger). Liverpool fanz juzz dream of immigrating – not to States, but to Liverpool. Meantyme, they try to stay in mohindi-ish neiba-hoods (since all Kenyasians are Kop fanz for some strange reason). Parkie, Ngara, yuh …Four – fave XXX pose?

Chelski fanz never lungula n tell, nyet – but wen dey do, its sumthang as exotik as Russia. A lil tockin here, a lil leather there! (Avril ni m-chelski)!

The Manure men go 4 dawgy dawg, coz juzz like they team, they’re used to sneakin on folkskis kutoka nyuma. Arsenal wamezoea kuwa chini, (pause) chini tu too sana, so da dudette iz 4ever on twop. As 4 Liverpool, juzz like they empty

Share this story
Premier premiere
The traditional curtain raiser in the English Premier League has come and gone. I'm not too sure we can read too much into the Community Shield contest between Chelsea and Manchester United.
Opening Ceremony: Kenya takes her pride of place as 2020 Tokyo Paralympic Games begin
Team Kenya Paralympics strolled majestically into the Tokyo Olympic Stadium led by captain Rodgers Kiprop and Powerlifter Hellen Wawira for the Openin

.
RECOMMENDED NEWS

.
OPEN JOB VACANCIES IN KENYA

;