‘Indecisive kingmaker’ wants to be king without kingdom

Wiper Party Leader Kalonzo Musyoka. [Boniface Okendo, Standard]

A week, they say, is a long time in politics. It’s been particularly long for Wiper leader Kalonzo Musyoka, aka Wiper aka Water Melon and now recently, “Indecisive Kingmaker.”

The latter is derived from a headline used in a local daily recently to describe Wiper’s political theatrics. It tickled him enough to motivate him to declare he had copyrighted the tag to be his official name.

Reason? After four and a half years of preparation, and several dozen parties to pick from, Wiper doesn’t seem to have made up his mind if he will run for top office, although that’s something he had considered doing, with the backing of Raila Odinga, aka Baba aka Tinga, and recently unveiled as “Government Project”.

Early in the week, Wiper addressed a political gathering where fringe parties had arrived to endorse Tinga’s candidature.

This is a paraphrase: “I have been called all manner of names, and I’d like to tell anyone who cares to listen. I will only participate in a partnership with like-minded parties, and Azimio mirrors many of the ideals we hold dear.

“You know, the three pillars are important formations and we at ODM-K would like to explore the possibility of cooperation with Azimio, as long as that engagement is in a structured dialogue, guided by good faith for the betterment of society.”

If you thought this needed some elaboration, so did Kalonzo. It was as confusing to the man, so he called the Press to clear the air.

For good measure, he wore his reading glasses to see the fine print.

Garlanded by his lieutenants, a tingling note in his voice, the Indecisive Kingmaker declared he was indecisive no more. He had decided he would be the king himself.

His decisive declaration, he said, was inspired by his belated recognition of a deal he made with Tinga. It had been such a long time, he nearly forgot that Tinga had committed to support him in 2022. Whipping a sheaf of papers from his breast pocket, Wiper read kizungu mingi and even paused to explain some legal terms.

“Somebody must have Tweeted something,” Wiper exclaimed, evidently buoyed by the growing media presence.

He concluded that Tinga’s failure to keep his word would occasion “irreparable material breach of the agreement.”

With that build-up, one expected the Indecisive Kingmaker to issue an unequivocal declaration that Tinga’s run for president was null-and-void (by the powers given to Wiper under the secret pact) and any victories Tinga garnered would be declared Kalonzo’s.

Once again, if you felt that required some unpacking, so did Wiper. After all, if Tinga was to support him, which vehicle would they use?

And what better place to clear the air than on the airwaves? So, later that day or night, Wiper went on TV to further ensnare himself in rhetorical confusion. He couldn’t for the umpteenth time, answer to the simple question whether he was running for President or not, and on which ticket.

But he insinuated that given that Mr Odinga had run off with the presidential ticket, it appeared he didn’t have much choice but to work with him.

One must feel for the man from Tseikuru, for if the Indecisive Kingmaker has decided he wants to be king, but doesn’t quite know which kingdom is up for grabs, or even how, those are delusions of grandeur. The fog will lift, hopefully, in the not-too-distant future, as all Wiper has is Wiper, not kingdoms.