Behold, Cousin Barry is back, and he bears message of peace, love and unity

“Habari yako?” our cousin Barry boomed this week, the American flag hovering over his head, perhaps to remind those who may have forgotten that he still holds the highest office in the world.

It’s possible to forget, with all the pettiness that accompanies our politics, that we have tall relatives in important places, especially when they don’t call often, even when calling rates are getting lower by the day. That is, of course, presuming Cousin Barry would have trouble with airtime.

Anyway, the moment came this week and he remembered to call home, even spoke Kiswahili!

The Kiswahili greeting removed any doubts that Barry had not forgotten the language of his fatherland, for it has been eons since he mentioned Kenya by name.

Amazingly, he had not forgotten names of little places like the village that his father drew his roots, as well as our bustling city.

He expressed thankfulness “for my connection to Kenya,” and hailed its people for enduring great difficulties to lay the foundation of a “great and proud nation.”

Cousin Barry said he had been “greatly moved by the warmth and spirit” that our people have extended to him and his family over the years. Although he did not specify the occasions, I suspect the highlight must have been November of 2008 when we set aside a public holiday to celebrate his first election.

Not that it matters. It’s the thought that counts. We spared the time to think through the most meaningful gesture to make Cousin Barry know he had done us proud, and we chose to rest.

But since he spoke, tongues have been wagging – with the usual suspects appropriating the message to serve their own ends.

Deputy PM Uhuru Kenyatta, or UK, spoke somewhere in Turkana: “Sasa, hata Obama ameongea, amesema hana shida kufanya kazi na mtu yeyote...” UK’s sentiments reflect the insecurities of a little lad, afraid because some playmates have intimated they will not play with him for some undeclared reason.

Personal interest

“It is a pleasure to know that the President is taking such keen personal interest in the unfolding Kenyan election,” PM Tinga hailed Cousin Barry’s message.

Which was surprising considering Tinga is Cousin Barry’s “cousin,” and he is running for office. Surely, relatives must take “personal interest” in the affairs of their kith and kin.

Online, the clip with Cousin Barry’s message did its rounds.

The reason is obvious. Many Kenyans feel an emotional tug towards our Cousin Barry, the boy we abandoned abroad, only for him to grow and rise to lead the world. He is our Black Moses.

In the spirit of our renowned magnanimity, we did not ask where he has been, or why he was calling home now. We are too generous to pose such questions. But Cousin Barry is a politician. Now that he is back in the White House, he can swirl in his seat and hail his Kenyanness. Only a few months ago, he would have squirmed if someone mentioned “Keenia”, given the hysteria surrounding his Kenyan roots from some chaps called the Tea Party.

Well, it helped that February is the Black History Month in America and Europe, when black diaspora reflect on the history of their forebears.

And now that Cousin Barry has secured re-election for his second and last term in office, he has regained the freedom to say his piece without inhibition, or embellishment. In turn, he has extended that freedom to us to choose our collective future.

 

Love in the time of ‘Facebook’ is like dalliance with Boko Haram

The political fever has caught on in our country, and dampened our sense of the season. Valentine’s Day comes up next week, so it’s an opportune time to share some of the unsolicited ‘love’ notes that filter into my Facebook mailbox.

The characters’ names imply they have links with Nigeria’s Boko Haram terror network, or the 419 scammers. The ‘love’ notes are reproduced here, naturally without the permission of the authors, and have been edited for sense:

My name is Princess, a beautiful young girl who is full of love.  I saw your profile today, and it gives me joy to contact you. At the same time I will show you my picture when you send me yours. Please contact me through my email below.

***

My name is Mercy. I saw your profile today and became interested in you. I would like to know you more, and if you send an email though my address below, I will send to you my pictures and share more about myself. I believe we can move from here! I’m awaiting your email. Somebody loves and cares!

 

***

Hello dear, my name is Miss Engela Johnson. I wish to ask for true friendship. I will share more about myself as soon as I hear from you. I have important reasons to contact you and I would like to hear from you and your interests. I wish you a happy day and may God bless you as I await your positive response.

Apologies for the public response, ladies, but that’s the only space I feel safe.

How to act and feel presidential on national television debate

The nation’s first presidential debate premiers on Monday. Here are some for candidates’ consideration. And since it is not my desire to impose anything on anyone, I shall throw the ideas about. One can pick and use what they like.

Banging the table is a useful ploy in the expression of firmness and courage. It gestures one is not easily intimidated and can be trust to defend our nation’s interests.

Raising one’s voice is another good strategy. There are more top politicians than I can count on the fingers of my two hands who have made thus far with nothing but a good, solid baritone.

Sizing up your opponent, especially if they are wearing the wrong shoes is equally useful. Gaze at their weakest link without blinking for effect.

Rolling your eyes, or shaking your head, is also useful. It indicates consternation, which implies superiority of your mind. You will be saying, without opening your mouth to speak, that you cheated by being subjected to a contest with people below your capacity.

Another strategy that some might find useful is to demand proof that their TV channel of choice is still on-air. This is a political year, and some frequencies are being switched off ovyo ovyo.

Good luck.