How we learn self-abandonment in childhood

If you deny them the chance to play with themselves, they will grow into adolescence with unresolved emotional issues (Photo: iStock)

Chela Yego’s childhood was coloured with affirmations from her mother and this nurtured her confidence. She recalls her mother correcting her in respectful ways and even asking for her forgiveness when she wronged her, meaning she did not grow up feeling the need to please her.

“Since she affirmed us, it made us more confident in making decisions without seeking someone else’s approval. My decision about my art and how I approach it is solely my own,” she says.

The experience for Emily K. Miller, a Kenyan poet, was different. Her parents had a difficult on-and-off relationship and finally divorced; thus, her needs were neglected.

As a second-born, she grew up clumsy and didn’t take care of herself from the ages of six until 19, and, comparing herself to her older sister, developed an incessant obsession with cleanliness out of their parents' neglect.

“I later became conscious that I should change the things people don’t like about me,” she says, and credits her best friend, who gently walked that journey with her.

But she was still people-pleasing; she did extra for people so that she could feel deserving of their friendships. And in her poetry, she would constantly seek external approval to mask her self-doubt, but now she sees it as something fulfilling and one that she is talented at.

Consultant psychologist James Bosse defines self-abandonment as the gradual process through which a person learns to ignore or suppress their own needs, emotions, and values to gain acceptance. At times, it involves someone prioritising others over themselves.

This pattern can disregard personal boundaries and lose their authentic self. Typically, James says that self-abandonment can start between two and seven years, depending on how the child underwent the first stages of life.

If a child does not successfully navigate these early developmental phases or experiences disruptions in attachment, they can internalise that their needs are secondary.

He cites early developmental milestones and how unmet needs during these stages can impact attachment style. In the psychosexual stage of development, a child seeks pleasure from the oral, anal, phallic, latency, and genital.

“If you deny them the chance to play with themselves, they will grow into adolescence with unresolved emotional issues, making them more vulnerable to self-abandonment,” he says.

James also illustrates the influential part that parents play in creating attachment styles. Critical, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable caregiving creates a lot of anxiety and avoidance.

When caregivers are inconsistent in their responses or unclear in their expectations, children can conclude that their needs are not a priority.

“Sometimes they feel they are there to meet other people’s needs and not theirs; therefore, they abandon everything,” he says.

He describes how unpredictable parenting makes the child constantly be on the lookout, unsure how the caregiver will react, thus developing disorganised attachment.

Emotional neglect highly builds up self-abandonment traits, as children would internalise that they are not worthy enough for their emotional needs to be met and to receive care.

Perfectionist and overly critical parenting also contributes to self-abandonment. When a child’s sense of worth is about performance and external approval, they learn to suppress their authentic self in order to meet expectations.

“They learn that they are worth something when they perform. So they suppress their authentic self and chase perfectionism. But eventually, they become frustrated and may give up,” James explains.

Children learn these patterns primarily through observing their environment. When experiences of punishment, rejection, or neglect are repeated, they adapt by silencing their emotions and needs as a coping mechanism.

Early warning signs of self-abandonment may include stopping learning to say no, suppressing feelings, thus leading to anxiety, and appearing timid and withdrawn.

At home, inconsistent validation and favouritism can also trigger self-abandonment. And when parents’ actions are not aligned with their words, it can confuse a child’s sense of security.

In school and social settings, children may conform rather than express themselves due to peer pressure and fear of rejection.

“When these patterns continue, they start to become part of their identity and will cause them to lack direction in life since they live for others,” he says.

He adds that they are also likely to identify with confusion more than stability, and they depend on external approval.

The behaviour is also seen through people-pleasing behaviour, where they only feel fulfilled if they make others happy because they know nothing better. Other signs of self-abandonment in childhood and adulthood are harsh self-criticism, codependency, not trusting your instincts, stopping doing what you love, perfectionism, not standing up for yourself, and not honouring your needs and values.

Self-abandonment also affects emotional regulation and decision-making. Without strong internal boundaries, children will rely heavily on others to guide their choices.

Certain childhood experiences, such as trauma and conditional love, can strengthen these tendencies if not addressed.

“Children will also internalise the belief that their needs are too much through repeated statements from adults. If you tell them that they are too much, the child learns that they are burdensome,” he says.

James insists on believing that children can unlearn these patterns through parents and caregivers modelling a healthy relationship with themselves.

“It is about the adult more than it is about the child understanding who they are. They need to refresh their childcare knowledge, and creating environments where children feel valued is important,” he says.

Parents and caregivers can also provide intentional and consistent support in teaching self-love and assertiveness to children.

“This involves helping them reconnect with their sense of self and build confidence in their identity rather than in external validation,” he says.