Daddy for all seasons

By John Muturi

There is more to fatherhood than simply making money and deciding how it shall be spent; or kissing your children goodnight after they have been fed, bathed and dressed up by their mother. A father must play his part in every aspect of his children’s lives and help in developing emotionally healthy children. Unfortunately, a majority find themselves thrust into the responsibilities of fatherhood with little knowledge of what to expect.

During courtship, a young man retains some measure of independence. This quickly changes when he gets married. He soon learns that two have become one and that he must always consider his wife in all his plans. Then the crowning glory of the marriage — a baby — arrives and two things happen. First, his wife banks on him more, both materially and emotionally. She craves more affection, security and encouragement in her new role as a first time mother.

Second, he realises that the all-exclusive attention he once received from his wife is now divided between him and the baby. Their closeness appears threatened and the father may not immediately realise that he is not in competition with the baby for his wife’s affection. Setting aside time away from the baby and doing activities they both enjoy can help to prevent such feelings from taking root.

Father to daughter

Fathers make several unique contributions to a child’s growth. For instance, a boy learns from his father how a man acts by emulating his masculine traits that will, eventually, form a part of his personality. A father can also help his son develop a healthy attitude toward women, by providing a model of respect, which the child can observe.

The father also provides the child’s first knowledge of the other gender. A girl models herself on her mother, but learns to understand and love men from her relationship with her father. You do not need to go far to confirm this: simply watch a little girl talk to her father.

She consciously twists him around her little finger and flirts with him! It is a delightful and necessary part of her development, and in adulthood will help her in choosing her own husband and caring for him.

Therefore, like boys, girls need a relationship with their fathers. From observing her father, she will develop her own femininity. Fathers must in turn appreciate her. She, for instance, dresses to please him.

Research confirms that many women whose fathers never provided them with an opportunity to develop such feelings early in life, never experience real closeness, comfort and understanding in their relationships with men.

Experts say the sexual functioning of a woman has a lot to do with the type of relationship she had with her father when she was young.

Trust and dependability

Relationship expert, Dr Seymour Fisher in a research he conducted on the differences in women with high and low sexual responsiveness discovered it was strongly linked to her perceptions on dependability and trust she has invested in people and particularly, in men.

Women with regular orgasms had a healthy emotional relationship with their fathers during their formative years. They had learnt that men were there to look after a woman’s best interests. Women who had a low capacity for orgasm lacked this stabilising factor. They felt that significant people in their lives would either go away or let them down, and, therefore, they could not depend on them. They found it difficult to trust, relax or abandon themselves in the arms of their husbands. Their apprehension robbed them of their ability to respond sexually.

So fathers, there you have it! Your presence in you daughter’s early years sets the pattern and tone that will greatly influence her expectations in marriage. If you are involved and interested, if you invest yourself in her, she learns, early in life, that a man can really care what happens to her.

Father Christmas

When a father is absent either physically or emotionally, children show serious deficiencies in their social and moral relationships with their mothers, peers and other people.

The study of the life history of people who have difficulty in relating to the opposite sex, homosexuals and bi-sexuals, shows that the absence of a strong father-figure in infancy contributes a lot to these tendencies. Because an absentee father rarely sees his children, he is likely to fall in one of two traps: he either spoils them outrageously when he is at home or becomes excessively aware of his responsibilities that he becomes too strict with them.

Both excesses are dangerous. To mould a healthy and normal relationship with his children, he must avoid being Father Christmas — arriving home loaded with gifts; or a monster whose arrival heralds stern punishment for all the ills the child perpetrated in his absence.

When he is at home he should endeavour to spend time with his children. Unfortunately, a man who sees little of his children often finds them unduly exhausting and reveals his exhaustion to them. In turn, the children learn to keep out of his way. When a father directly guides his family, children enjoy greater emotional stability.

Heading the family unit

The responsibility of a father in guiding and directing the family unit should never be underestimated. Families that respect the father as the leader are less prone to emotional difficulties than those where the father’s authority is lacking. We are not talking about the Victorian dominating, dictatorial, incorrigible father that some men still insist on being. We are talking about family leadership that mutually involves husband and wife.

It is a leadership where the father is sensitive to each family member’s needs and makes every effort to deal fairly with his wife and the children. It is also important to ensure roles of the father and mother are not confused. When parents reverse their roles, their growing children often establish a pattern of rebellion and delinquency. Studies have revealed that dominating mother figures can confuse a boy searching for his identity.

So it is important that you become a successful father — one who is recognised by his children as caring, helpful, available, sometimes right and sometimes wrong, but consistently loving and approachable.