Hey sisters, marriage is not such a big achievement

A few weeks ago, while attending some family event, I found myself seated among an annoying bunch of women. These women, most of whom had posted five years or less of marriage seemed to be in the most crazy discrimination campaign.

There is usually some unsaid tension and judgement between the single and married women.

This is mainly because the married, who I like to call the smug married, behave as if getting married is such an accomplishment.

They carry themselves as if they should receive some award from Humanity just because they mysteriously convinced someone to marry them - contrary to popular belief that it is the woman who decides who and when she will marry.

Something inexplicable happens to people when they get married – with most of them becoming a menace to society. There are some women who once they walk down the aisle, choose to become boring and infuriating creatures.

Interesting people

It is like suddenly the only conversation they can hold is about what their hubby (or bae as they like to call them these days) has done.

It is like marriage turns a woman’s conversational abilities from a three-lane highway into a one–way street.

It really baffles me that in a world full of such interesting people like Donald Trump, and our usual clownish politicians, most married women would rather spend hours discussing how Baba Nani likes the consistency of his ugali as they paint a non-existent halo on their rather ordinary husbands.

God help you if the smug marrieds have also been blessed with children. They appear incapable of talking about much save for the colour of their babies’ poops and other inconsequential things like the challenges of colic and burping. What they forget is that billions of women and other living creatures have been doing this motherhood thing forever - so there really is no need to regale the world with endless tales of junior.

Intensity and detail

The intensity and detail of such conversations is usually turned up depending on the number (and looks) of the single women with whom the married women happen to be sharing their company with.

I hold the view that this is conversational discrimination aimed at locking out the single women by making them feel like they are losing out on this magical thing called marriage - it is as if they want everyone to drink from the fountain of marriage.

I think it is just a thinly veiled attempt to give relevance to their rather ordinary lives by putting down the single ladies.

The worst thing about the smug marrieds is the change in appearance. Most women change from glamorous to downright frumpy once they get married.

Many of them tell me that the challenges of married and new families make it virtually impossible for them to look good - little do they know what misery they render to the rest of we mere mortals.

Abs become massive pots, and endless legs become thunder thighs, all in the name of marriage.

To make matters worse, these smug married seem to find company in the name of their husbands.

Most men become Teletubbies come marriage and they join their wives in ‘Operation let ourselves go.’

You will find many married couples waddling around in all their adipose and cellulite glory – as if the marriage certificate gives one permission to consume copious amounts of lard.

My view is that if you want to sell this great thing called marriage - you need to be a walking billboard for it. As usual, the married among us like to tell us that fat in marriage is the in thing but I think it is immoral to be that misshapen and fat post–wedding.

To all the smug married among us; marriage is not really that big a deal. Please do not go around imagining that single women are almost always looking to grab your man, or are leading miserable lives that can only be improved by tales of your hubby’s and children’s’ tales.

When in the company of single women, have more inclusive conversations and for heavensakes’ look good while doing it.