Fear of going home: When holiday visits bring more sadness than joy

Fear of going home: When holiday visits bring more sadness than joy (Photo: Gemini) The December holidays are a time for people around the world to celebrate and bring the year to a close. In Kenya, it has become customary for multitudes to organise trips to their ancestral homes and join friends and relatives in the ensuing festivities. While the holiday is a time for merrymaking, for some, however, this annual exodus from the city is less about merrymaking and more about economic struggles, confronting painful realities of judgment, and trauma. Janet Were*, a Nairobi-based journalist, says the financial costs involved just do not make it worthwhile to make the trip that only lasts a few days before returning to the city. "Look, I come from Western Kenya, where the fare is about Sh3,000. Considering I usually travel with my sister, that means transport alone will cost Sh6,000. Why not just send some money to my folks? I think that they would appreciate receiving something on their phones rather than the two of us just showing up with little cash to spare," says Were. In addition, Were says it has become tradition for rural-based relatives to view those working and living in the city as cash machines who are never broke and who should fund any expenditure, however flimsy. "Imagine there are cases where you are just asked to give a boy Sh10 to go and buy a matchbox ati ndio tupike. I sometimes ask myself, 'You mean if I had not come, they would not have cooked'? I am sure they would have eaten with or without me," she says. For Anne Njoki, transport costs are not the reason she is giving up her home for some distance these holidays. Unlike Were's, Njoki's home is in Central Kenya and would require no more than two hours to get there. But she has opted to stay in the city. Her relatives have the uncanny habit of being too intrusive by asking questions that pry deeply into her privacy. Njoki is in her mid-30s and still single, something that tends to rub her relatives the wrong way. Whenever she parked her car in the family compound several years ago, those who came to welcome her would squint looking inside the passenger seat just to see if she was accompanied by a male figure, read a future in-law. "Uko na mtu? (Are you seeing someone?)," They would ask. "I know it will not be different this holiday period, especially with the many relatives around. So, I am opting to stay put in the city. I can always see my parents at any other time of the year." In most homesteads, women, especially the wives of the men in the family, are expected to do as many domestic chores as possible, something that rubs Liz Kimani the wrong way. And depending on their hierarchy within the family circle, some of these women are assigned the most distasteful chores of all. "If you and your husband have made it in life, you can sleep and wake up any time you want," says Liz. "You will find others have made breakfast for you and your small family. Sadly, the lady who ranks at the bottom might be the one to wash the goat intestines or even take some livestock to the grazing fields. I have experienced the latter, and I never look forward to visiting my in-laws during the December holidays." In fact, Liz goes on to say that such mistreatment can sometimes extend to the children who may be discriminated against during mealtimes. "Let me stay in the city and cook for my children. I don't mind if their father goes to see his relatives," she says. However, one of the saddest reasons why some opt to stay in the city during the holidays is due to past trauma. Some, it turns out, were almost abused by older relatives during such 'homecoming' events. Some ladies complained of being touched inappropriately by cousins and other male relatives, something that left them feeling vulnerable during subsequent visits to the rural homes. "You go through life feeling dirty over such uncouth behaviour that occurred years ago when I was a young girl. Then you remember these potential abusers are still in that home," says Nelly, a single mother of one. A psychologist's take According to Cheryl Mwangi, a counselling psychologist with Kidsalive Kenya, when homes trigger trauma, they become unsafe spaces for some people. For example, she says some young adults who left home immediately after high school are not part of your average city lady or man struggling to catch the early bus to their rural homes to enjoy with family this festive season, "as they could be paying a good amount of money to their therapist to understand and heal their childhood traumas. "To such ones, the holidays trigger bad memories they acquired from that uncle who fondled them during their puberty years, or that cousin who, during the sleepover,s went a little bit further than sleeping and forced themselves on them, actually raped them. For the best interest of the family, he or she was told never to speak about their experiences to another living soul. They associate the family with pain, shame, resentment, anger and bitterness," says Mwangi. Such individuals, she adds, have built a new life for themselves and are detached completely from Christmas, spending alone at home or with family in the city. In addition, Mwangi says the current generation has refused to normalise some toxic traditions in the name of family culture, avoiding the popular questions regarding their marital status. "It's okay to want to know how your relative is fairing but let's not push it to that level this festive season. If you show compassion and care, it may make such ones tell you more about their struggles," she says. "Should they come, ask them how they have been since you last spoke or met, or what has been their big win this year, where they struggled the most and how you can support them." She says relatives should stop picking on those who come home empty-handed since "it is their home and they are supposed to go as they are and be received with grace, adding that the definition of family should not change to an auditing session where one's personal, professional, social, financial and spiritual life is up for scrutiny.

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