Ten types of midwives in Kenyan delivery rooms

Ten types of midwives in Kenyan delivery rooms (Photo: iStock) Midwives are often cast as the serene guardians of childbirth-wise, steady, and endlessly compassionate. At least, that's the version popular imagination clings to. In reality, midwives, like all human beings, come in an astonishing range of temperaments, quirks, and emotional states. Behind every birth story lies a personality-sometimes inspiring, sometimes exasperating, and occasionally hilarious. Here are 10 light-hearted types... 1. The Bully She storms into the ward like a general who's swapped her morning tea for rocket fuel. Her opening line is usually: "What do you mean you're in pain? I've seen goats give birth with more grace!" This midwife views tough love as dangerously indulgent. Her barbed comments are so sharp that even the newborn might feel ashamed for arriving late. She bellows at contractions as if they owed her money. And yet, results follow: women have delivered faster simply to silence her relentless tirades. 2. The lazy one This midwife ambles in hours late, sandwich in hand, radiating indifference. "Oh, you're crowning? Just a second, let me finish this episode." She's more emotionally connected to her phone's battery life than her mother's vital signs. Once, she used a salad bowl because "the delivery tray was too far." Her motto? "Babies eventually deliver themselves." 3. The insensitive She is insensitive to the plight of expectant mothers in the labour wards. Pain, anguish, or pleas from family do not stir this midwife in the slightest. She might abandon a mother in agony to take her lunch. Should you arrive after her shift ends, you may as well wait until morning. Empathy is a concept she left at nursing school. 4. The compassionate angel A polar opposite, this midwife radiates warmth like a living hot-water bottle, whispering affirmations and humming lullabies. She tears up during contractions, not because it's painful, but awe. She clasps hands, brews herbal teas, and would square up to death itself to protect a mother. She keeps scrapbooks of every child delivered, sending them birthday cards years later. 5. The careless Well-meaning, perhaps. Reliable? Absolutely not. This midwife misplaces clamps, sterilises tools in her gym bag, and once confused a watermelon with a baby bump. On the plus side, she's so unaware of danger that she's completely fearless. Unfortunately, so is a toddler with scissors. 6. The professional The dream midwife. She strides in radiating precision, clipboard gleaming, gloves immaculate. She calculates the birth weight before the child has arrived. She speaks in incomprehensible medical jargon that, somehow, reassures. And unlike many, she never judges banshee-level screaming. 7. The faith healer For her, childbirth is a sacred ritual. She smudges the room with sage, prays before every operation, and whispers incantations to maintain "birthing energy." She once sought consent from the unborn child before proceeding. Her medical kit contains a rosary, incense, and a picture of a dolphin giving birth. Surprisingly, she boasts a perfect record-perhaps because even newborns are too baffled to resist. 8. The traumatised veteran Her eyes tell stories she will never speak aloud. With the thousand-yard stare of one who has seen too much, she mutters, "Not again..." at every labour. Yet she ties knots one-handed, delivers triplets mid-lunch, and ensures nobody else panics. Ask how she's doing, though, and you'll hear chilling tales: "Once, a father fainted onto the mother..." She is battle-hardened, indispensable-and haunted. She may be emotionally shut down, but she's also the reason nobody panics. 9. The competitive For this midwife, every delivery is a personal challenge-- a race, complete with times, scores, and a private leaderboard. "Six hours? Amateur. My record is four." She boasts about water births, roadside births, and helping deliver twins mid-traffic, and other improbable triumphs. 10. The sleep-deprived zombie This midwife hasn't slept since the last election cycle. Sustained by caffeine and fading memories, she drifts through the ward half-conscious. Yet, in a paradox of professional instinct, her hands work flawlessly. Nobody knows how she does it, including her.

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