On Valentine's Day, do not send your woman withering red roses

Valentine’s is a few days away and by now it should be a no-brainer that many women who are in relationships (or who imagine they are in one) are looking forward to this great day of love. For women, Valentine’s Day is like examination day where they put their men to the test on the life threatening issue of how romantic and loving they are.

One would imagine that after all these years of Valentine’s communication and commercialisation, men would have embraced the day. Alas! That is not the case. Men still continue to whine and complain about the Valentine’s Day fuss, with some coming up with some ridiculous ways to sabotage the day.

Since we have accepted their manic obsession with Formula 1 with The Football Derbies, the least they can do is get with the programme when it comes to Valentine’s. So in order to be clear about Valentine’s, let us outline some of the expectations that women have and which they will be expecting.

Firstly, all men who are in relationships are expected to remember and recognise the day. Now, some men get vague about the ‘being in relationship’ status. If you have been enjoying conjugal benefits with a lady consistently over a period longer than one month, then according to the lady you are in a relationship.

If you have been spotted in public events (and especially in pubs) over three times in the last one month, then you are in relationship. If she keeps calling you babe and darling, it is not because she likes your baby face, it is because she believes you are her boo and come Valentine’s Day, you had better deliver.

Men also need to be wary about ladies who tick the ‘in a relationship’ box in their Facebook profiles - they too might have some expectations if you have been hanging around them too much.

So any man who has been cavorting with a number of women in recent months should know that all of them will be expecting something this valentines - everyone from the friend with benefits to the mpango wa kando to the wife. 

Men also need to understand that when it comes to Valentine’s Day flowers are just a bare minimum. Sending your significant other flowers only is no longer sufficient in meeting the Valentine’s Day threshold. Any serious man is expected to deliver flowers in addition to another gift - something of significance not a card. The something else is dependent on the profile of the female love interest.

To make sure that the right gift is delivered, a man needs to remember the following: If the love interest is a young campus girl, she will most likely expect flowers and some phone that allows her to take selfies to floss her glamorous life. A 30-something working lady will expect more like a voucher to some exotic spa or a weekend out of town.

A 40-year-old lady will need something a bit more significant like a new car, or the latest cooking stove. Of course, these choices are not cast in stone for we know some 20-year-old lasses who will only respond to a gift that has a motor and we have 40-year-olds who will settle for a perfume. All we are saying is that the man need to invest in some research lest his Valentine manoeuvres do not meet expectations.

It would be criminal not to mention “pop the question” expectations that are usually a part of every Valentine’s Day. You see, many women who have been in a certain kind of relationship expect to be rewarded with a marriage proposal on the most romantic day of the year. They may not explicitly say it, but just like other women, they are good at dropping subtle hints and signs about their expectations.

So that men do not feign ignorance, here are things that could point to a Valentine’s Day proposal expectation. If you have been openly dating a girl for a period of more than two years, then chances are she hopes you will pop the question on Thursday.

By openly dating, I mean that she has met your folks, your family friends and she has more than a few undergarments and clothes permanently in your house.

If your significant other has spent more than two Christmases in your rural home making chapatis for your relatives, then she is definitely waiting for you to put a ring on it. If you notice too many wedding magazines lying around the house, or if you notice that she is on Pinterest looking at wedding gowns, then you better pop that ring this Valentine’s.

Men should no longer detest Valentine’s Day. They should embrace it as the one day (and night) where they can make up for all their past and future sins. It becomes very hard to stay mad with a man who gave you a Valentine’s to remember and one that had all friends and family green with envy.

So men do the right things this Valentine’s - and please since we are a country that boasts one of the best horticultural industries, no man should send any women withering red roses. - [email protected]

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