Others first, father last? Not fair

Fathers are integral and need to be appreciated. [Photo: Standard]

The fatherhood code goes something like this: “Others first, father last”. “Others” are one’s wife and kids and, in some cases, one’s parents and siblings.

We have been conditioned to believe that fathers should work their fingers to the bone, but also put their desires on the back burner, until all the needs of their loved ones are met.  

Over the years, there are things I have put off buying, or doing or investing in, because I feel that it is selfish of me. When I weighed them against the needs of my family, I told myself: “This is not that important. This can wait.”

They are now a long list – (and the list keeps growing) - of desires and unfulfilled dreams. And they will remain just that, unless I have the courage to declare that my needs are important. 

Knowing what’s what

I think it is best to know what’s important, what’s urgent and what can wait. It is not just about doing (and buying) my thing, regardless, because I am the man.

It is also about using common sense, and putting the three variables – what’s important, what’s urgent and what can wait -- on a weighing scale.

Still, at times, because we only get to live once, and so many things are coming at us, we can rewrite the list. For many fathers, going on a vacation can wait. It is a waste of time and money. There are other urgent and important matters to take care of. There are bills to be paid.

But a vacation can recharge a father’s batteries, and make him to go at life with renewed vigour. On the surface, it can seem like it can wait. But it really is important.

Sacrifice

In the book The Love Dare, Stephen Kendrick says: “Nobody knows you as well as your spouse. And that means no one will be quicker than your spouse to recognise a change when you deliberately start sacrificing your wants and wishes to make sure his or her needs are met.”

In a marriage, it is about knowing each other’s love language. It is about knowing what makes your spouse tick. It is about joining the dots.

Some spouses do not know the amount of sacrifice that their spouses make. Others know but couldn’t care less.

Sacrifice should go both ways. A father should also sacrifice for himself. The commandment about loving others as we love ourselves implies that love should first be within, before it is given without.  

The talking hula-hoop

Some fathers wear threadbare vests and boxers, and torn socks, because the needs of their family outweigh theirs. They would rather buy their child a pair of school socks, than replace theirs that have “air vents”.

Late last year, when I went shopping with Pudd’ng, I wanted to replace my vests, but for so many days, Pudd’ng had also been raving about having a hula-hoop, like all her girlfriends.

At the tail end of the shopping, it was either she gets her hula-hoop, or I buy me some vests. My heartstrings got the better of me. Pudd’ng chose the most expensive hula-hoop in the supermarket. That was all fine except 

 I have never seen Pudd’ng playing with the hula-hoop. It is gathering dust right beside her bed.   

Heck, that hula-hoop talks to me. Whenever I look at that red, white and blue striped plaything, it tells me stuff that would put a self-help guru to shame.

The hula-hoop tells me that, as long as my family is not starving, or walking naked, or homeless, God has also given me permission to spoil myself. It tells me that I should not feel guilty of spending on myself. When I lock eyes with that hula-hoop, it tells me that being a husband and a father is a calling; not a prison sentence.

Man, I thank God we splurged on that hula-hoop. In fact, I am organising a self-help session where this hula-hoop will give brothers some good old fashioned real talk on putting themselves first.