We woz the great and powerful

With Smitta Smitten

Leaving the comfort of ‘Kenya Comfort’ after a boddla wine (waz orakoing for Italia, the country) wit me best buddy, God Oduor, aka Martin, n the gorgeous Goth-Sheila Phi Mbugua, we took a stroll down to 20th Century sinema, where I-MAX, the folks who brought 3D visuality to Kenya, were holdin’ a first aniv bash for their media pals.

I waz happy to see yutful Alexei, pretty Pollina, their Eastern Euro boss Mr A, Tarras the marketer n beautyful Anya Ratnokova, who made fun of me for being wit a bevv of beauxes — Tash n the marketing tsarinas Illuminata, Mwende, Muthei, Jems, Tshix, n Sul the Cool. The other guys were the boy trio; Kim, Kim and Mrefu.

(Tangent — talkin’ of Kim, why does that young a**-o prezzo of North Korea, Kim, wit his duck’s a** hair-do, keep threatening to do in Seoul, with his nukes. Chinky should know the war in Korea’s been over for sixty years. N surely, the CJ coulda done better Sato than give us a three minute ruling. Kwani Law also has quickies?).

Inside the fab Arfa Afra Lounge bar at the 20th plaza, we sat on zebra-skin covered vitis n chapad ‘gogo-thails’ of coke-n-vodoski, and juice-n-gin, our hosts being the I-Max Russkis, n Ukranians. N talkin of gin n juice, imma thinkin’ Snoop (wen he was a dawg n not a lion) and the way his lyriks were prophetik ta todae’s don’t care yut: -

“Two in da mornin’ n de party still yumpin’ (coz momma ain’t home)/ I got mamsillas in the livin’ room gettin’ it on/ and they ain’t leavin’ till six in de mornin’ ... ( response)

   Rolling down the street smokin indo, sippin’ on gin-n-juice, laid back, wit ma mind on my money, n my money on my mind ...”

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Then twas tyme to move to the actual state-o-de-art I-MAX theatre, put on our 3D goggles, n get laid back, sippin’ on coke-n-vodoski, watching the movie OZ, The Great n Powerful. Now, normally, tis our Shirley Genge who gone do our movie reviews ... but since I was at OZ, n she waz in de house, imma gonna do this one, lad/ette.

Basically, tis the tale of a con magician at the turn of tha 19th/20th Century who gets transported in a hurricane via hot air balloon to the land of Oz, which at first looks like a psychedelic paradise after yuv died! There is a hot witch wit luvly eyes our Conmondos of Oz seems to fall for (haven’t we, in past lives, all fallen for hot witches wit nice eyes?) Tangent: - whenever dudes ask me if, in dudettes, I look for titskis, mogoros or buttskis, I tell ‘em the ukweli. None of all three. Like dat Vera’s dendai does jack 4 me. Imma macho guy, like ‘eyes are the window of the soul’ n all dayt shiizzo. A mamacita wit glorious machos n a beautyfl face n smile licks dendai, legz n titskis, period!

Where were we? O yeah, the Wizard of Oz, of course.

Anyway, tis a sawa sawa movie, yu should go wit the entire family, etc, and for the rem of the year, I-MAX has got some fab dizzle in store for ya — Man of Steel, Iron Man 2, Hobbit 2 (yayy), Star Trek Two, n Fast n Furious 6 (tho by the tyme a flick getsa six, yu gotta question either the intellegence of its viewers, or ask ka ni series).

If yu ain’t seen an I-Max flick in 3D, yu got no idea watt yur missing, I mean dat!

Outside, now, the gang moved to Fiesta @ Chester — but twas kinda dead.

So we went on to Parkside, beluved of thespians, n ordered raos of schnapps n vodoski, n talked matope.

To be fair, I started off on a ka-Chinua Achebe angle, but waz cut off by a shout : ‘Imagine watching Jada Fire in 3D?” (If yuv got no idea who Jada Fire is, I suggest yu put this down wryte now, n google dat nympho!) ...

(Shock on Yu, Tube)!!

Kama ume-recover from Jada’s fire, (heh heh), I can tell ya that gang now began talkin of deacons wit ha8d-ons, n other things woodie goodie — the supreme court we were not (n waz dat wit Keithi K gettin’ so famous, her 4head waz a trending topic last week)? Mimi kama yeye, ninge ge Ahmednassir header akini-sumbua sana, tuone ka ata-survive ama ata-come kotini na kofia kama ile ya Petr Cech.

We then moved to Tamasha, where me crazie old pal Wawesh bought me a couple of Heinneken cans (chug chug, niiicee), n the chickas grooved n moved on de dance floor, and some drooling dude jaribud to grab Tash’s ass n got bitch-slapped twice, those ones of fore-hand n back-hand, like a tennis openin’, for his trabos. Afterwards, dude looked dazed, staring thru his n-gogos wit the eyes of a frog at Tash as Tamasha laffed at him:-

Guys, don’t go slappin’ ladies’ dendais! Yu cud get biach-slapped. Besides, those are the tabias our buddas used to do wit bar maids called Roda. Don’t do it, too, mah fah.

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I-MAX 3D Chinua Achebe