The power of laughter

Behind bars/JOHN GEREZANI

What does one do when a long lost elder sis comes visiting after a five-year hiatus only to pompously proclaim: "Johny, you’ve never been serious with life!" And just for kicks, and contrary to everyone in the visiting bay’s expectations, I let out a hearty laugh to spite her, leaving her muttering in disgust.

That is the situation I found myself in recently and I acted the way I did because as a free spirit, I have never let stress have the better of me in my long sojourn behind bars. I have to confess that I love comedy and humour, a great carthasis in hard moments. When I came in, Vitimbi was en vogue, before my all time favourite, Tom and Jerry made an entry.

Watching comedies

These days, you will most likely bump into me in the TV room when KTN is screening Just for laughs. So big sis (I know you are reading this), next time do not disappear for half-a-decade only to be the drama queen here. You will simply humour me.

Neti is one place humour liberally dwells in uniform, either with the smarters or the netizens. Take for instance Kazungu, a smarter long suspected of trafficking marufuku. Well, one day, the search squad paid him a surprise pre-dawn visit sure that they would nail him, but came out empty handed. No peddler keeps cargo in his crib.

Raving at the embarrassment his family had been subjected to, the brother plotted a revenge. He did not report on duty for two days. Instead, he drank himself silly while hurling unprintable words at no one in particular. Neither did he sleep in his crib for those days.

On the third day, he gained Dutch courage and approached his boss with blood-shot eyes, a sorry state to behold.

Comedians entertain inmates at the Nairobi Remand and Allocation Prison (Industrial Area). Comedy and humour are a great carthasis in hard moments. [PHOTO: EVANS HABIL./ STANDARD]

"Afande! Haiwezekani hivyo Afande!" The bleary eyed cop pleads. "Hawa jamaa uliwatuma kwangu wadhulumu mke wangu kimapenzi! Wanadai ni search, kwani search ni kupapasa mke wangu matiti Afande? Lazima niende nyumbani nitengezwe na waganga kimila kabla niingie chumbani tena," he continues.

His grouse is that the smarters who searched his house allegedly brushed against his wife’s jugs so he wanted leave to go for customary cleansing.

The bewildered boss immediately summons the entire search team to his office for debriefing and reads them the riot act. They fall into line post haste and profusely apologise. Meanwhile, Kazungu is granted a 45-day compassionate leave by the boss and he leaves the office as sober as a Judge.

It is only a year later after the boss has been transferred that he opens up. "Hiyo ilikuwa ni Kiswahili (That was pure obfuscation of facts to pay back the tormentors in kind)."

Amusing incident

Perhaps the most amusing story is how some barely literate smarters used to get promotions in neti during the kirungu (Nyayo) era. Since Uncle Dan’s then powerful PA was a former smarter whose word was taken as emanating from uncle Dan himself, no one would dare question the authenticity of a heavily accented voice on the line purportedly calling from State House.

What these bosses did not know was that some sly smarters were playing a game of wits, whereas they would give accomplices all the necessary details to pressurise the bosses who would then act on "orders from above". Of course, the "above" was a phone booth in town and not State House.

Decorating a warder

Since the boss would be ordered to decorate the promoted smarter with the relevant insignia and forward the file to headquarters for regularisation, the newly minted smarter would have all the time to raise the requisite "regularisation fee" with the masterminds laughing all the way to the bank.

Many smarters got their promotions this way, but the cat popped out of the bag when there was a change of guard and the cartel was dismantled. Many are those who lost the deposits they had paid, while those whose files had not been regularised suffered the ignominy of having to return the insignias to the stores.

I still get amazed at how people fall for such regurgitated trickery. How on earth do you let your guard down over the phone? You must be smart and authenticate everything before you sign on the dotted line next time. You have nothing to lose in being cautious. Take care and remember that laughter is medicine.