My husband is a good man but I settled for him and now there's no chemistry

My husband is a good man but I settled for him and now there's no chemistry

Dear Coleen

I often think about my first love. We were together for four years when I was very young.

It was crazy love. At the beginning it was fabulous, but my parents got divorced and things began to unravel.

I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope and became very insecure and unstable, and the relationship was tumultuous.

I broke it off because I didn’t believe he deserved to be treated badly and it was no good for either of us at the time.

Breaking up was very hard for me as I did love him and we had a remarkable bond. He was very hurt, moved straight on to someone else and didn’t speak to me for a few years.

We did however meet up a few times in later years, and for me it was as if we had never parted – the chemistry was still there.

We always lived in different countries or he was always with someone else, though.

There was never a good time it seemed, or the opportunity to tell him I still had feelings for him and would have loved to find out if things could have worked out between us as adults.

I think fear of rejection was another reason I never spoke up.

A decade later, I was tired of the dating game and desperately wanted children so, when I met my husband, I settled down.

He is a good man, we have a great relationship and I’m happy, but we don’t share the chemistry or connection I had with my first love.

He has yet to marry and has had many relationships, none that have stuck. I have no idea how he really felt or if he was ever still interested in me.

We have always remained friends, though. After harboring these feelings for so long should I tell him, just to get closure if nothing else?

I feel I need to get over this lingering regret or is first love best left in the past?

Coleen says

Your first love does evoke very powerful feelings because it’s the first time you’ve ever experienced romantic love and really fancied someone.

And, although you fall in love again, maybe many times, I don’t think you can ever recreate those feelings of first love because it’s so new and exciting. You don’t forget it!

However, I do think for most people that it’s romanticized.

It takes you back to being that young, innocent girl. But what you have to remember is, you’re not that person anymore and neither is he.

And, if you’d stayed together, those intense feelings and that rush of excitement would have faded, too, and been replaced by something different and deeper, as you got older and your relationship progressed.

Yes, you could get in touch with your ex and tell him how you feel, but it might jeopardize your marriage, a marriage you say you’re happy in.

Right now you’re being ruled by emotion, so try to engage the logical side of your brain, too.