I dreamed of marrying a pastor, but he abused me for 14 years

When Joan Aluse met her then-husband in the year 2000, all looked rosy, he was an evangelist, and, having grown up in church, Aluse felt like all was falling into place.

After two years of courtship, Aluse married him in 2002. Fourteen years later, she rues that decision; he was a pastor, evangelist and man of God in church, but an abuser behind the curtains when dusk dawned.

Their love was brewed in church, and whenever they got an opportunity, the two would preach, seriously preach, in the streets.

“When we first met, he seemed to be committed to the work of God. He was an evangelist and we used to preach in the streets, spots like Ambassador and Korogocho.”

Aluse says it was always her dream to marry a man of God, because in her eyes, such couples looked perfect.

“I always wanted to marry a man of God. I used to see how most of the pastors loved their women, their women were very gorgeous and I imagined that if a problem ever presented itself, we would read the Bible and pray together and the problem would go away,” she says, in awe of her innocence then.

They had met one night when Aluse went for kesha in church. It was a mere coincidence that this man approached her. The man she described as poorly dressed in an oversized jacket, who was not appealing and was annoying. That man would seek her hand in marriage two years down the line.

“We met in church during Kesha on a Friday, he approached me, I did not like him, he didn’t look handsome from the way he was dressed, I used to see very good men in our church in nice suits. He asked for my name three times, I was annoyed and walked away,” But this encounter birthed many more.

During their courtship, Aluse said, he never showed signs of abuse, in fact, “he had memorised many verses of the bible, every time he would leave me with a chapter to read, I was happy, I envisioned a happy marriage with him”.

But she was met with a harsh reality seven months into marriage, when  the honeymoon period elapsed, and she found herself immersed in pain.

“Immediately we entered into marriage, he started the abuse. He was insecure, he was too possessive. Whenever he saw me with friends, he felt insecure, he never uttered a word or asked, he just acted out of anger. He hit me after seven months of marriage, I went to seek refuge at my uncle’s place that night”.

Bad became worse. Aluse attempted suicide but was stopped by her husband. 

For the society around them, the pastor and his wife, were the model couple, the envy of everyone in the neighbourhood, at least that is the impression they gave.

“When we walked on the road, we would be at peace, but when we get home things changed. People admired us on the road, I later come to learn that his actions outside were basically to cover up his evil deeds in the house,” she says.

In situations where Aluse couldn’t handle the pain, she informed her parents and in-laws, sometimes friends and a preacher she looked up to.

Before saying I do, Aluse had been warned by her spiritual mother not to enter the marriage, but she did regardless.

“I did not want to leave my marriage, I wanted to prove my spiritual authority wrong, I wanted the marriage to work, I did not want to tell people what I was going through,” she remembers that her wedding too, was not colourful, there was no certificate, no dowry, the husband just gave a promise to pay later.

“I was afraid, I thought my spiritual parents would tell me they warned me that marriage wouldn’t work,” she said.

And, for the longest time, Aluse who was an intercessor spent most of her time in the forest praying and believing he would change.

“When we went to church, most of the time I pretended to be okay. I was leading worship in church, sometimes I interpreted for him and prayed, I persevered with a lot of pain. I would lead worship, and people thought I was deep into worship, but those were tears of the pain I was going through at home.”

“I spoke to friends about it, we prayed about it, but, after prayer, things got even worse. I was sharing because I was seeing danger, with an abuser, you never know what will happen next.”

She was beaten not once, but many times. Two beatings landed her on a hospital bed, the two instances, she describes as her worst. “He was going to kill me, I was swollen all over, he kept hitting me on the wall and I broke my jaw bone, it affected my hearing as well”.

Despite all the beatings, Aluse would still go out, work and put food on the table, she was the breadwinner.

“I paid bills, worked extra hard, just to save that marriage and cover up for him.  He used to bang the door with his feet when he was in bad moods. One day I asked him for Sh50 to prepare ugali for him, but he refused to give me.”

Aluse says the husband was never remorseful, instead, he blamed her for, “letting me beat you, he said to me that why did I allow him to beat me when I came out of hospital. He never visited me in hospital for the two weeks I was admitted”.

“When I was admitted in hospital, people from the church accused me of running away and neglecting my children. My husband had told them so, I never told anybody about it.”

Aluse says, any time they did counselling, her husband would act so remorseful and deviate from the real issue.

Seven years since they parted ways, Aluse says her husband has never checked on his three children.

“From hospital, I decided I was not going to stay in that house. I walked out as I was, I made up my mind. I went to seek refuge at a friend’s, I didn’t want my kids to see me sorrowful again. I found a lady who hosted me. He reported me to the authorities but it was decided that I take the children. We started sleeping on the floor, my brother bought me a mattress, and a lady gave me a bed sheet.”

“I started hoping for things to change, but they only got worse. He got married again three months after I left. The only communication I heard from him is when he told someone that he had moved on with his life, so I should do the same,” Aluse remembers.