Why scores of women fail the wife material vetting process

There is a troubling thing that we, men, have been discussing among ourselves since a majority of us came back from our village backyards having travelled to cast our vote. We dragged our women with us for the sojourn back in the village.

For the two or three days we had to put up in the village, worrying trends were noted. If you wish, you could say that the Boys Observer Mission of their women’s conduct in the village is now out and it is an uncomfortable reading.

The Boys Observer Mission having observed their women during the three-day village outing notes the following areas of the concern for the observer mission. Firstly, it was noted with concern that while our women will smoke shisha in dingy joints through the night, they appeared to struggle to cook a simple African meal in our mothers smoke-laden kitchen.

We note this is a great and unnerving display of double standards. When we were young and we were trying to learn smoking, we would roll pieces of paper and light them on one end and made gallant efforts to join the smoking union. We would cough violently, but we knew at the end of it that there is no ‘premium’ or superior smoke. Smoke is just smoke, there is no blue, black or white smoke in matters smoking.

Additionally, the Boys Observer Mission also noted with growing concern that while our women will gulp copious amounts of undiluted brandy and whiskies, our women could not stand our mother’s sugarless soft beverage. In our opinion, this is an attempt to malign, discredit and disfranchise a democratic process of our mothers’ meal preparations. The Boys Observer Mission takes great reservation to the open disregard by our women of our mothers’ gallant efforts at exercising their democratic right of displaying their culinary skills.

We want to reiterate that our mothers’ efforts at anything cannot be undermined and disregarded. We want to state to all and sundry that the next time you travel upcountry and our mothers cook tea and instead of putting tea masala she puts pilau masala, just drink up the tea with the widest smile that you can possibly muster without tearing your cheeks.

The Boys Observer Mission also noted with great concern that while our women will walk round the estate for endless hours in a bid to keep fit, they disregard walking up and down in the rural areas. They actually view it as a punishment. What is different? When they walk in the estate they do it in a bid to burn calories.

But when we suggest that we walk in the back roads of our rural villages, they do not want to walk. They actually want us to drive our car in areas that there are no proper roads just to avoid the walk. Our nagging question as members of the Boys Observer Mission is, can they not burn these calories on our dusty roads? These are just but preliminaries findings collated by our Observer Mission throughout country. We want to reiterate that while the reports continue trickling in from various areas, we are still waiting reports from far-flung areas where there is no or poor coverage of 2G or 3G networks.

A full statement of the Boys Observer Mission will be released in due course once we have received all reports from our observers in the field. In the meantime we urge all our members to exercise patience and remain calm and go about their business as usual. Do not dump or divorce those who performed dismally during the exercise.

—Twitter: @tonymasikonde