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I'm a widow in love but I'm afraid to remarry

 Photo: Courtesy

I lost my husband about a year ago. I think rediscovered my focus in life and look forward to a bright life ahead of me. I am seeing this man who is divorced and we have sort of fallen in love with each other. He has already proposed to marry me but I asked for some time to think about this since I am still very close to my husband's family. I don't know what they and other people will say about this. I don't know when the right time is to re-marry after the death of a husband. I know of widows who have been frowned upon because of re-marrying and sometimes the other family rejects you especially if you were married in a traditional ceremony. They say that you belong to that family forever, is this true? I am lonely and need someone in my life. I feel like love is staring me in the face but I am afraid to proceed. Please advise me. {Juliet M}

Your Take:

Juliet, I follow the voice and desire of your heart. I think the timing is good and allows both of you to re-marry. You need not to pre-empt what other people will say about your decision. Furthermore, the belief that when married under customary ceremony then you belong to the family forever is an archaic myth that holds no water.

{Ojou Robert}

Re-marrying is very much allowed after the death of a spouse for both men and women. You are an adult and you should make decisions that will bring satisfaction to you just as he would in the same scenario.

Discuss with them your views and let them understand that getting married does not mean abandoning them and especially if you had children with the late. Take your time to know your new found love and get to know the kind of person he is before committing to him.

{Charles Olanya}

Talk to your husband’s family first and if they agree to let you go then it will be much easier for you. Also make sure that this man has settled everything with his divorced wife because he may be using you a bait to get her to come back. You may even join widow support groups as here, you will meet others in the same situation. Keep your mind engaged in valuable activities but don’t die of loneliness.

{Onyango Outha}

The second marriage for him may be even more difficult because he may not have sorted the issues that made him divorce his wife in the first place. However, life is a risk and you should take risks otherwise you will never get anything good. Marriage only lasts until death and you are now free to get married to any man you choose. Involve your family and get their views but follow your heart.

{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

The Bible allows widows and widowers to remarry but is should be after having good time to mourn. There are many advantages in re-marrying so I will encourage you to go ahead so long as you are sure you have the right man before you. However, late love may be like measles - too dangerous if allowed to spiral out of control. Involve your family and help them understand your feelings. Graca remarried but still remained Graca Machel.

{Tasma Charles}

Our customs and the Bible are there to guide us and none of them forbid you to remarry after the death of a spouse. Re-marrying is meant to see you cushioned against loneliness and oppression from other ill-minded men or relatives.

You are free to go by and follow your instincts. It is within your right to get married again. Go for what befits you. Remember that as you do all these, the deceased husband’s children must be well taken care of. May the good Lord guide you as you decide on this.

{Ouma Ragumo}

Counselor’s Take:

This is an issue that many widows struggle with for years. On one hand, they are lonely and need someone to love and support them as well as to fulfill their sexual, emotional and other needs.

 On the other, they feel guilty searching for and even committing to new relationships with the notion that they are betraying their departed husbands and his family. They therefore hold back and suppress their needs moreso for the sake of the family.

This kind torture is however uncalled for and is actually self-inflicted. Any marriage is only valid till death. Further, there is really no certain definition of reasonable time but obviously it shouldn’t be three months after the death. One should allow for good time to mourn, heal and recollect themselves then they can venture into new relationships.

Getting into relationships immediately after death of the spouse (no matter how right it feels) may be an effect of the rebound. With reasonable time, you will feel it; it will feel right to be in a relationship but there is a caveat – it usually works best with someone who has been through a similar occurrence. This is because having been through similar experiences, people tend to relate and appreciate each other.

Other people will always talk and frown at everything you say or do so this should not be a major cause for worry. However, before going public she should be certain that the man is seriously interested in her. This is because men know a vulnerable woman when they see one and they can promise to deliver the moon in a wrapped box just to get what they want then they run like crazy.

However, it is important to maintain good relations where possible with the departed husbands’ family. The most difficult task is getting accepted in the family that you are getting married into. Don’t be surprised if this takes longer than expected but they will with time.

Do not worry too much about people because they will always talk about everything you do including buying a new pair of shoes. If it feels right, go for it. But move cautiously and keep your family informed and sometimes they come in and support you if you involve them in the process. {Taurus}

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