My Mwende has a Wafula! I’m finished

Just the other day, I made a shocking discovery– a hyena has discovered that my innocent house girl, Mwende, can make for sweet meat. Call me naive, but I always assumed that there was no mammal preying on my innocent jewel. But shock on me.

Some care taker – Wafula – has spotted the flower in my vineyard and he wants to pluck it and take it to Ukambani, heavily pregnant. My house girl is a pretty girl and I have ‘fed’ her well, so I know she attracts attention from the idle busy bodies in the estate, but I never imagined she would fall into the caretaker’s cheap trap.

So how did I find out this distressing news? Tasha the house paparrazi, recently dropped the bombshell.

“Mum you know Wafula likes Mwende,” I almost choked on my tea when baby girl unleashed the missile.

“Ati what?” I pretended not to have heard the shocking details.

“Mum I said Wafula likes Mwende, yesterday he bought her a soda and chips. We ate with her,” baby girl said it loud and clear in that innocent childlike manner.

If she continued to spill more details, I was going to suffer a serious “mummy attack” so I cut the conversation short as I headed to the kitchen to look for Mwende.

It’s been three smooth years with her, I was not going to let some Mutiso interrupt that peace of mind she had given me as a career woman.

Clearly, time was ripe for Mwende and I to have that sex talk I have been evading for so long.

“Mwende, chakula bado?,”(the food is not ready?). I tried to break the ice.

It was so awkward, within minutes the conversation slid from the cooking pot to family planning.

“I hope unatumia family planning na boyfriend yako?” I blurted out.

“Eti ..... By the way chumvi imeeisha,” she tried her best to change the subject.

As she dipped in more ingredients to spice up her stew, I also enriched my conversation with heavier subject matters like dangers of unprotected sex, that HIV is real, that young men like Wafula have no good intentions, it was boring and tiring.

“He will make you pregnant and dump you,” I warned her, but she appeared like she was so smitten with love, it was like I was giving a lecture to a love struck damsel.

Not knowing what other missile to unleash to push this torturous monologue conversation deeper, I closed the discussion with a piece of advice: “Wafula akikupeleka mbio sana, make sure unatumia condoms,”(If you must have sex, make sure you use condoms). She just nodded her head absentmindedly.

Oh my! That discussion was so labourous, labour is easy! When the time to have that ‘Wafula dialogue’ with Tasha comes, I hope it will be less torturous.