Melachonic or not, you decide your behaviour

The theory of psychology recognises four basic temperaments. In the last two weeks, we have discussed two of them — choleric and sanguine.

Temperaments depict the moods and certain characteristics of individuals. Understanding them helps us relate better with our partners. Today, I will discuss the melancholic temperament.  

“My wife and I have a good relationship despite several issues I overlook. She pays too much attention to herself and does not take life seriously.

Lately, she complains that I pressure her with unrealistic demands and expectations.  She accuses me of being overly critical, calls me a perfectionist, claiming it is impossible to have a clean and neat house with three young playful children.

 Her complaints are getting to me and I have become moody. I am not interested in engaging with her and at times. I even avoid intimacy. I am angry, yet for some reason, I am comfortable in my space. I am aware that this is hurting my wife, but am not ready to address it,” says Jay.

Perfectionists

In my view, Jay’s primary temperament is melancholic. People with this kind of temperament are generally introverted. They keep records of wrongs for a long time. They are moody and have a capacity for depression. They seem to enjoy being hurt because they have a persecution complex. They do not accept compliments easily. They project false humility, are self-centred, have selective hearing and are too introspective.

Often, their expectations are beyond reach and may discourage their partners because they want everything done perfectly. They sulk over disagreements and make their partners feel guilty. They are socially insecure, withdrawn and critical of others.

Melancholics hold back affection and dislike those who oppose them. They are suspicious of others and often full of contradictions. No wonder Jay is finding it difficult to deal with his hurt because he feels misunderstood by his wife, who clearly is of a different temperament.

Dark side

On the brighter side, melancholics are often perceived as both considerate and very cautious. They can be highly creative, are deep thinkers and have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. They are prone to genius and are generally talented. They appreciate beauty, are self-sacrificing and sensitive to others.

As a husband and father, Jay’s ambition and desire is to have his home orderly and immaculate, and that is just who he is and sees no reason to apologise for that. He wants order and their children well taken care of. “Is that too much to ask for?” He wonders. Certainly not, but challenging to a partner who does not pay attention to detail.

Striving for perfection is not wrong, but there are times, like in Jay’s case, when partners expect too much from one another because of their attitude and temperament. It is necessary to acknowledge that although temperaments play a big part in an individual’s attitude, they do not control them. They simply need to acknowledge the dark side of their personality and work at it. Understanding your partner’s temperament is one step in growing towards oneness.