When she won't accept it's over

“I have decided to end my life.”

What if you are asleep and you hear your phone ring, by the time you get to it, the one calling has hang up and sent you the above message?

There is finality and a solemn ring about the message. You have not saved the number, but it is eerily familiar.

Then you call the number, once, twice, thrice and the person picks up finally and she is sobbing bitterly…

That is what Andrew Otuoma went through in August. He had left his girlfriend of two years a few months before, and had moved on. 

And now, she was standing along Mombasa Road, ready to throw herself onto any oncoming vehicle. But she was courteous enough, and wanted to say bye to the ‘only man’ she had ever loved.

Manipulation

Crisis: Andrew stays in Rongai.

Disaster: His car did not have fuel.

Catastrophe: She was frantic and determined to end her life. OK, maybe she was just bluffing. He had to think hard and fast to save her, if she was serious. He called his friend in South B, who got along well with her, and asked him to plead with her, with a promise he could take her back, if she did not end her life.

“I had no intention of taking her back, but I had to lie so that she can be counselled afterwards,” says a relieved Andrew. He had grown tired of the relationship and walked out. She did not take it kindly. The friend was able to persuade her and he took her to a hospital in South B. Long story short, she survived, they never got back together, and there has not been a similar incident over the last two months.  So far, so good.

Ruth Nyambura is no stranger to such texts, she recently received a disturbing message from her ex deep into the night. The message read:

“You killed my baby.”

She was beside herself with rage. Their relationship had ended more than a year ago. And he was referring to an abortion she procured long time ago, when he claimed it wasn’t his! It was one of those messages that startle and rattle you to the bone.

“He made me cry the whole night. He wanted to make me feel bad or guilty about it, but I ignored him,” Ruth explains. “He was the type of men who are childish and good at manipulation. I just ignored and have since barred his calls.

Troublesome ex-lovers have made people change their phone numbers, block them from all online platforms — Facebook and Twitter — or in extreme circumstances, even change their neighbourhood. Sometimes, one has to change the social places they shared to avoid bumping into each other, or the memories such places elicit.

Other than suicidal ex-lovers, there are those who get violent. For Monica Ngaruiya, she underwent an exceptionally humiliating incident in front of her new man, four months after she had left her previous boyfriend. She had gone for lunch with her new boyfriend at their organisation’s cafeteria. She stays within company compound in Naivasha.

Parking lot

As they came out, her ex confronted the man, uttering expletives and swearing to everyone in the vicinity.

“He even took my new boyfriend’s car keys from the parking lot. He had apparently colluded with the security guards to humiliate him for having come in without clearing with the security,” explains an agitated Monica. “It was embarrassing given it was played out publicly and everyone was wondering what kind of a woman I was.”

Monica had had a financially ruinous relationship with the man. She had taken a Sh500,000 loan to help him build a house. The man claimed to be working in a clearing and forwarding company. This turned out to be a lie when he could not pay back the money and started playing cat and mouse games with her. She had never discovered his violent side. She took advantage of that confrontation to tell him off, humiliating him. She has never seen nor heard from him.

Wedding

Sometimes exes surface at the worst of times. Martin Korir was going about his wedding arrangements without any itch. As is the norm, the wedding had to be announced in church three times, to give room for anyone who would want to object the union to lodge a complaint. After the second announcement, the wedding a month away, he received a call from his ex-girlfriend from four years ago.

“She threatened to ruin the wedding. She wanted them to get back together.” Martin expounds. “She did make good her threat, and called the pastor, claiming she was my past lover and I had promised to marry her.”

She managed to delay the wedding by a month. They used several methods to persuade her including blackmail and coercion, which proved effective and she backed off.

Relationships with past lovers have been complicated the more by the electronic media. At any given time, there is a probability your past lover is snooping around your Facebook profile, carefully monitoring your social progression, more so for those eager to update their social and emotional well-being on social media.

Pastor Jeff Nthiwa, a life coach with Destiny Life Coaching, Kenya has this to say about such exes.

“Individuals say goodbye on one hand, hoping they will be missed on the other hand. They want to be accepted on some terms rather than no terms at all, which is dangerous,” he says. “Many want to remain friends to boost their self-worth.”

According to Pastor Nthiwa, a break up can ignite intense emotions from red-hot wrath, to sickening sorrow or even frigid loneliness.

“While the aftermath of a break up can be agonising, the end of your relationship doesn’t have to be the end of the world. There is a time and a season for everything according to the Bible. In spite of everything, you have to let go,” advises Pastor Nthiwa.

He advises people against remaining friends with past lovers.

Desperation

“To prevent yourself from dragging around emotional baggage indefinitely, in the beginning stages of healing, take some time to yourself and let your emotions run their course. Lie in bed for a day or two and cry. Go to the gym and unload your anger on a punching bag or on the tennis court. Vent in a journal. Talk to your best friend, your parents or your therapist/life coach,” he says.

Nthiwa says those who desperately want their exes back and go to extremes to get their attention are saying loudly, “I don’t respect myself enough.”

“If your ex becomes persistent by being a nuisance, it is time you used relevant authorities to intervene,” he concludes.