‘Hey mom, I’m a Lesbian!’

By Hellen Miseda

Recently, CNN’s Anderson Cooper; publicly confessed that he is gay.

“The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself and proud,” he made the announcement in an email to writer Andrew Sullivan.

Increasingly, more people are coming out of the woodwork with similar revelations. And if you thought this was only a western phenomenon, think again. 

Recently a friend rushed to seek her pastor’s counsel after her teenage daughter blurted out; “Mom, I think I’m a lesbian.”

The pastor called for a prayer and fasting session.

Emma Sempa, a career mistress, was caught off guard when two students made the disturbing revelation recently.

In as much as she had offered solid solutions to all manner of problems, for the first time she was clueless.

“As a school mistress, students come to my office to pour out their hearts. They know in me they have a confidant. There is a student who was so withdrawn in class; his grades were going down so I got concerned and had a one-on-one chat with him.

He disclosed his attraction for a particular boy though he had not confronted him. The shocking part was; the boy was from an affluent family and studied in an environment where he could mingle with both sexes during his child hood. I decided to recommend him to a senior counsellor.

“Another student also came to me but he was still in denial. I have counselled students for more than ten years but these two were the most challenging cases,” Emma recalls.

Indeed, discovering that your child has gone against expected societal norms can be heartbreaking.

Sheila Wachira, a counsellor in Nairobi, says this discovery can be a traumatic experience for parents. It makes them feel betrayed, embarrassed and let down.

Millicent Omukaga, a marriage counsellor, agrees that when a parent discovers that her/his daughter or son has such same-sex tendencies, it can be shocking and devastating.
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Millicent notes that as a parent, one will go through an array of emotions — from self-blame to denial, anger, acceptance and relief — as you try to understand what happened.

This confession may leave parents grappling for answers as they try to understand why things have taken a different turn.

Dead-end questions will flood the mind: “I must have parented him wrongly; that is why he has turned out this way... What will happen to my child?  How could he do this to me after all the money I have spent on him? He is just going through a phase and he will get over it; or finally, thank God he has come out in the open and now I know what has been bothering him”.

Such news takes parents by storm because the dream of every parent is to bring up children who are morally upright.

“This success is about the child taking up the values of the parent who model the values, norms and expectation of society,” Sheila points out.

Therefore, when it does not happen as expected, the results are devastating.

But what causes children to resort to same-sex tendencies?

Since there is no scientific proof to confirm that being gay is genetically coded, it can only be said that this is a learned behaviour or as a result of hormonal imbalance.

According to Sheila, where the tendency is from learned behaviour, a child may make the conscious decision prompted by various factors including peer pressure, unresolved anger, identity crisis, influence from mainstream media, and outside forces that conjure up images of ecstasy in the gay world.

According to Sheila, society has bequeathed parents with the responsibility of bringing up children who will fit in it, start a family and thereafter pass on the baton to the next generation.

However, this idealised norm has in recent years faced social, cultural and economic transformation, shaking the very moral fabric and definition of sexuality and family, as the world becomes a global village.

The advent of information technology and the media has exposed minors to a world of ideologies. Values upon which the African family is founded upon have been challenged, eroded or diluted by western influence.

To navigate such turbulent waters, Millicent stresses that mothers must be open with their daughters just in case they are caught up in this habit and are not sure what to do.

“If a daughter discloses her sexual preference, the mother should draw close to her and give assurance of her identity because resentment may drive her away. The best female friend to help her through this is the mother,” the author of The Secret of a Tight Knot advises.

Sheila calls for a thorough reality check on the part of the parents: “Ask yourself the following questions: ‘How do I face my own fears and anger? How do I face the issue?’

“Remember, it could have been worse,” she concluded.