10 signs you are an unwanted guest

Kenyans are a friendly lot. Okay, forget all the bile that they spew on each other on social media. When it comes to offering a helping hand, they will come through.

They will offer to buy you food, beer and sometimes, accommodate you when things are really thick. That is our Kenyan spirit. 

However, don’t take our generosity for granted. We have a weird way of showing our visitors that they have overstayed in our homes, especially if they are relatives or village mates.

 Here are the telltale signs that you are ‘not wanted’.

1. Food rationing

All of a sudden, your host is not happy with the amount of food that you are serving. You will receive that ‘side eye’ when you try to add nyama or ugali. This is unlike a month ago, when they would politely ask you: “Ongeza chakula... usiogope.”

He will remind you how inflation has affected Kenyans, and people should minimise their eating. If this is the kind of treatment you are receiving, just know your days are numbered.  

2. First suspect of theft

Whenever something goes missing in the house, you become the first suspect. It is worse if you don’t have a cordial relationship with the madam of the house. One day, out of the blue, she will shout:” “Hapa kuna mwizi. Saa yangu ilienda wapi?” Of course, she will be indirectly hitting it at you. Days later, the house girl, will claim she lost her chama money, which she hid inside the pillow. Bro, this is enough cue that you are no longer wanted.  

 3. Leading questions

When your host starts shooting questions revolving around your private life, start packing. Leading questions like; “Utaoa lini?” or “Kwani shags watu hawakumiss?” You will also be reminded that planting season is around the corner. “Naskia mathee ameanza kupanda and she needs help since, Jomo, the houseboy, ran away..”

The worse scenario is when the kids start gossiping you. “Kwa nini huendi kwenu?” “Mummy alisema unakula sana...” And when they say children speak the truth, believe them. 

4. Wi-Fi password change

A few months after staying around and enjoying VIP treatment, one day, you wake up and you can’t access the Internet. Your phone can’t log in.

You ask around, but no one is telling you anything. You even call Safaricom home fibre customer care, lodging a complaint, but they inform you everything is okay from their end. Such signals should clearly tell you, your time is up!  And if you become a bother, you are told to your face; “We are spending a lot on the Internet. Stop downloading series.”

5. Pin-drop silence

All of a sudden, the house is no longer warm. No one wants to talk to you. No one asks if you have eaten or taken a bath. They are least concerned about your welfare. When you ask something, people ignore you and are busy on their phones. It is simple; you are not wanted!

6. Scolding the kids

If mama watoto is scolding the kids in front of you and rudely tells them; “Kazi si kuona TV tu. Laleni kesho tuko na shughuli mingi.”

Bro, just know that’s an indirect message being sent to you. If she notices you are unbothered, she will add; “They don’t understand we need to wake up early to look for money.”

7. Accused of misusing things

If you are being accused of spending too much time in the shower and ironing clothes, just know, that you are being chased away. The host will claim that life as become expensive and there is need to cut costs.

“The electricity and water bills have shot up. Weuh, watu sasa waoge na maji baridi. Hamtakufa. This inflation is serious,” they will say, avoiding eye contact with you.  

 8. Miss Mboch gives you cold shoulder

You have been enjoying a cordial relationship with the house girl, but a few months later, she has developed an attitude. So, it turns out the house’s madam warned her against you.

She was accused of neglecting her duties to watch TV with you. She was warned of showing you too much attention.

Scared of being sacked, she has cut all ties with you, treating you with a lot of remorse. No hard feelings, just pack and leave!

9. No longer consulted

No one cares about your opinion. You are never consulted about anything. This was unlike a few months ago when you visited.

Even matters politics, no one cares to hear which party you support. Basically, you are not wanted. They know you hold a degree in electronics and you can repair a few things in the house, but no one asks for your help. They would rather consult, Omosh, a class-two dropout, who has learnt the trade through observation. 

10. You become the errand boy

When your host starts sending you to run unnecessary errands, like going to look for bolts for the kid’s bicycle, just know, that your days are numbered. On some days, you will be asked to go to Marikiti to compare managu prices, then your presence is not appreciated.