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Confessions: Help I feel like I only attract bad guys that won't marry me

Social Scene
 I am forever falling for the bad guys instead of someone who will treat me right (Photo: Courtesy)

Hi Chris,

I don’t know why, but I always seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. Especially in my love life.

Like I’m forever falling for the bad guys, instead of choosing someone who’s going to treat me right! And much as I try to change that, nothing I do seems to make any difference.

What’s going on? Is there anything I can do to start making better choices in my love life?

Bad Choices

Chris says, 

Hi Bad Choices!

Learning how to make better choices is surprisingly hard, because even though it feels like we make decisions logically, mostly everything’s actually determined by our unconscious mind. So you’re not even aware why you’re making your choices!

But once you realise how much your behaviour is affected by your subconscious, then you’ve made a big step towards understanding why things go wrong.

So why do you keep going out with bad guys? Mostly because of the lingering effects of your past. Because your subconscious doesn’t really care about whether you’re happy or not. Instead it tries to steer you towards what’s familiar.

Which means you’ll tend to seek relationships that reflect how your parents treated you as a child.

So if one of your parents had problems and the other one spent all their time sorting them out, then chances are you’re attracted to men whose lives are a mess.

Or if your parents weren’t around for you, then you’ll likely seek men who neglect you. If your parents put each other down, you’ll choose men who do the same. If your parents were distant towards you, you’ll be attracted by men who’re cold. Or who can’t be there for you because they’re already married.

It’s not just your parents. Was your first lover a gorgeous disreputable hunk? Then maybe you’ve never quite gotten over him. Because the first time you make love’s very important.

Forever after you’ll subconsciously associate intimacy with what happened. Which may mean that you can’t get turned on by kind and considerate lovers.

Or if any of your previous boyfriends was unfaithful, you’re likely to be super suspicious, regardless of whether your current partner’s ever done anything to deserve it. But once you realise what’s going on, you can start to consciously choose better partners.

So think about your childhood and earlier relationships, and consciously avoid men who are anything like your previous experiences.

List all the good things you’d like in a partner, and quickly drop anyone who isn’t a pretty good match. And in future only mix with people who’re good to you. That way you only have nice people to fall for!

All the best,

Chris

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