Just so he could exit Gitegi and wander into lands where unsuspecting girls fall victim to his treachery, Harold planned an early coup d’etat. He was going to become the head of the village once more and would, in that capacity, travel to London for the interment of Queen Elizabeth II.
But yours truly, the consummate legal adviser, cautioned Harold, insisting that what he planned to do was a cardinal offence.
“I am priest to hear cardinals are also criminals,” he said, feeling funny. “Treason takes you to prison!” I told him.
Whichever of you told Harold that leaders of world democracies were receiving free bus rides into the Westminster Abbey did him a great disservice. I had to remind Harold that most of the leaders who attended the Queen’s burial were from Commonwealth countries. Now, as you may know, Gitegi is a common place but on the wealth, part is where we draw the line.
The President of The Republic of Kenya also attended the 77th United Nations General Assembly (UNGA). Harold would have been happy to go just for the UNGA, only he would have to carry with him all the avocados in the village, which would be good riddance. Imagine the village without both Harold and avocados, even for a week.
Sue’s deputy Clarissa has been complaining she found the brown house, which is Harold’s house, empty, which explains all the melees therein - empty cans, loudest noise, and all. Sue planned to travel to neighbouring countries to create bilateral ties, which explains why Clarissa stole all my ties and took them to her boss. But before she left, she had to make some immediate announcements. The price of muratina, one of the finest liquors at her joint, had increased by about eight shillings per cauldron. Asked why Sue said that it was due to war in Russia and Ukraine, and the effects of the Covid-19 pandemic, which killed none in the village but the confidence to kiss our problems goodbye.
Clarissa, in a media interview, said that the reduction in prices was not sustainable as the villagers were increasingly indebted to Sue and her suppliers. The temporary pain of hiked prices would ease soon, she said, once the government boosted production of raw materials for muratina, which she claimed was easier than lowering the cost of the end product.
The new administration has been going around insisting that the outgoing one was corrupt, which is the truth and which comes as no shock to anyone. Granted, Harold’s manifesto when he first took office was to uphold corruption and indignity in the village, a promise he kept without even trying.
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Sue and Clarissa are also adamant that state agencies have been used to frustrate public officers who have been, for long, struggling with delivery. Creditors, who consist of Sue and no one else, complain that the government holds a lot of money in pending bills.
Suppliers, who again consist of Sue and Sue alone, complain they have not been paid since Harold decided that drinking interests override all other interests of the village. The new government thus invited auditors who would audit agencies that seemed to have misappropriated public funds. Kinuthia and a few others applied, and got the job.
When I handed in the financial reports to the auditors, I saw them retreat to Sue’s with dictionaries in their hands. They thought the government was looking for editors.