Why you should be wary of your wife’s ‘office husband’

 Office marriages are supposed to be a reprieve [Photo: Shutterstock]

Work, by its very nature, is a slow, soul-crushing endeavour. Most of us wouldn’t do it if we had a choice. Or if alcohol was free. I know someone who responded to the interview question “Why do you want this job?” with “Because I need the money.” He didn’t get it, but points for honesty.

It’s such a vicious cycle; wake up at 5, dodge outstretched hands from randy, overeager touts, sit in traffic for an hour, only to get to the office and sit behind a desk for another 8. And then it’s all spreadsheets and kind regards and emails which never find anyone well. It can be mind-numbing. Hence the blossoming of the office marriage. Work husbands and wives, those colleagues who are a little more than just colleagues. Fellas, your woman has a work husband.

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There is a guy at work. That’s how she first mentions him to you; a guy at work. He made this funny joke, just wait till you hear it. He has the best Rao impression, oh my God! He said this. He thinks that. It’s all said in passing, like ‘kunakaa kunyesha leo’, so you don’t pay attention. And you continue to not pay attention as she starts to dress better, as she stops complaining about going into work even on weekends. In her contact list, ‘Michael Jobo’ turns into ‘Mike’, with a laugh emoji at the end. Out of the blue, she joins Telegram.

Mike is a suave bastard. He is tall, light-skinned and handsome, with a beard he spends bathroom breaks combing to a high sheen. Mike knows everything. He is a comedian and a clown. He has a hot take locked and loaded at all times, no matter what you come at him with. Coronavirus, Bernie Sanders, global warming, Huduma Number… whatever it is, he has a pithy comment on it, a stolen quote he can later post on Twitter and tag her on.

He pronounces Carrefour as ‘Kafuu’. He has a loud, boisterous laugh. He compliments her baby hairs first thing in the morning. He is a great listener, which is how he knows your lady’s deepest secrets, your failings as a partner, and even which day of the month to get her chocolate.

He makes at least ten trips to her desk every day, to complain about their shared ‘slave-driver’ and to gossip about Sharon from Accounting. They share funny WhatsApp forwards, lunches, inside jokes and even a sugar tin. And if you don’t wisen up, it’s only a matter of time before they share body fluids too.

Ladies, your man is in a similar situationship, and is one lewd comment away from a meeting with HR. He has carefully cultivated a persona of boyish charm, honed through years of practice from flirting with the interns on industrial attachment. He whistles when women walk past his desk, and asks them if they need any help as they skip into the bathroom. You know, because their jeans are practically welded to their body.

But there’s one particular temptation you need to worry about, one lady who has gradually warmed to your man’s ways, and who now has a playful work relationship with him. She just gets him, you know? Just because you have no patience for his sports obsession doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t. His work wife grew up with four brothers, so between them and the depressed Arsenal fan she dated throughout campus, she knows all about clean sheets and el clasicos. When the office did that Secret Santa gift exchange thing last year, she got him a mug with the mantra, ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’.

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She knows all about you, because your husband tells her the stories. Not the good ones. Not the one where you helped pay for his car. But he’s definitely told her about your watery stews, and the stocking you tuck your hair into every night. So she brings him packed lunches and changes her weave every two weeks. Like a good friend.

Office marriages are supposed to be a reprieve. Everyone deserves some sunshine, especially if they have to go back into the cave every evening. They’re supposed to be playful and innocent, a break from the monotony of work. But they’re also a very slippery slope, a tight rope over a fiery pit of complications. So, check-in on your partner today. In our culture, it’s considered rude not to greet your relatives. Pop into the office one of these days and say hi to your assistant husband or wife.