Slay queen: 10 types of women men meet in Nairobi

By Priscilla Wairimu | 5yrs ago | 5 min read

If you are new in the city and often wet your palms at the sight of women you plan to approach, fret not. They come in different shapes, sizes and not a few hips.

You need to understand them before making a misguided leap of faith. Here are 10 breeds of city women a man will meet in Nairobi:

1. Miss Independent

You are likely to meet her inside her car, probably a Vitz , where she would be sulking and cursing in traffic. Beyonce’s Irreplaceable will be playing over and over again as she constantly nods as if there is a rotating bearing in her neck.

Take note of her three-inch heels and how she swings her car keys. Then of course there is the well-polished English. You can approach her if you feel your self-esteem is enjoying a resurgence.

2. Husband snatcher

She could be that woman who even shrubs her name. More often than not, she has an otherwise kawaida look. She prefers calling you late at night.

You can have her and still keep your wife, you could even join the same ‘Bible Study Group’ as you’ll have an excuse to give to your wife the phone when she calls at some ungodly hour.

3. The slay queen

Most haven’t celebrated their 30th birthday. Their social media pages are always flooded with photos and stories of drinking escapades and ‘posh lives.’ Do not be fooled.

Most are in ‘sponsorship programmes,’ which come to a halt the moment wrinkles appear on their foreheads. If you are in dire need of an investment option, the slay queen is hasara bin hu!

4. Shambalistique graduate

This one is fresh from shags, probably Kinangop and to her, the city is heaven made manifest. Notice her cheap makeup and discoloured dental formula. Her Neil Armstrong manner of dressing on rainy days and colour clashing on sunny days makes her seem like a walking rainbow.

She is the easiest to have and will say “I do” over a plate of fries and Fanta in sweaty Luthuli Avenue. The downside is that you cannot introduce her to your friends as she still needs some coaching, taming and polishing. Kazi kwako, mtu wangu!

5.The born tao

Usually a mjuaji from Kawangware, Uthiru or Kangemi, where she has been holed up all her life, yet she will convince you she’s from Westlands.

She has seen and heard it all and cannot be easily duped.

6. The holy Joyce

She works tooth and nail to see heaven since she long concluded ‘this world is not my home.’ You can spot her by her long dresses that even threaten to sweep sinners away.

She probably has joined the Church of Many Waters and winning her heart could be a tough job if you don’t speak in tongues. But akiingia box, dunga ball mara that that!

7. Old money chicks

She knows her value, doesn’t do cheap dates in even cheaper joints. She dresses in the latest trends and rolls with hot, classy and loaded dudes.

Don’t try withdrawing all your savings to please her as she will milk you dry and drop you like a bad habit. Sorry, try number four above.

8. Bora uhai chicks

These ones live life as it comes. Bora uhai is her daily proverb. She is the ever-smiling chubby and happy woman and never frets even when the fare hikes three times.

She has no goals in life and will simply live life as it comes. Ambitious men should keep off.

9. The party animal

She has an emaciated look due to swilling copious amounts of hard drinks. Fridays mean the world to her and weekends are to die for as alcohol will always find its way to her throat.

Alcohol brands don’t matter. Going out means loud music and returning home at 5am. She dances a lot when not screaming “thitima!”

10. Chick ma-biz

She always has ‘hot deals’ and business ventures centred around importing shoes from Owino Market in Uganda for selling at the office.

She has managed to get her kids to good ‘academy’ schools. They’re mostly single and if you’re poor at managing funds, this is your type.