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A Nairobi church has a certain aura that makes you feel closer to God, unlike say a church in Igamba Ng’ombe.
But despite what I would call ‘postmodern worshipping’ characteristic of the 21st century, Nairobi worshippers have their fair share of annoying habits. Here are 10 of them:
1. Holy gibberish
Besides foaming at the mouth and speaking in tongues, city worshippers have a way of lapsing into ‘Holy Ghost’ fits after an elaborate ‘ushuhuda,’ which after recent events, you can never tell whether is real or stage-managed. Whereas speaking in tongues may be an important accomplishment in Christianity, it is not one of the fruits of the Spirit as spelt out in Galatians 5:22. As such, Christlikeness does not require speaking in tongues.
2. Church runway For some Nairobians, church has become a runway to flaunt the latest ‘lift and separate’ bras and ‘I never reach down’ high heels. And with the kind of attire preferred by some women leaving very little to imagination, you wonder what may have happened to the self-respecting woman the Bible envisaged in 1 Timothy 2:9, which says, “Likewise also women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire.”
3. The long face Nairobians wear stone faces to church. Even the praise and worship team only lightens up when ululating to Zulu songs, which apparently are the in-thing. Probably, they should take a look at Luke 11:34: “The lamp of your body is your eye. when your eye is sound, your whole body is full of light; but when your eye is evil, your body also is full of darkness.”
4. Forty winks If you are going to fall into deep slumber in church and snore throughout the sermon, you might as well remain at home. For all those who sleep in church, read Proverbs 20:13: “Love not sleep, lest thou come to poverty; open thine eyes, and thou shalt be satisfied with bread.”
5. No food from outside There’s nothing as annoying as seating next to someone in church who chews non-stop. This seems to be the way of some church goers in the city. I suggest that these people take heed of Paul’s advise in 1 Corinthians 11:34: “If anyone is hungry, let him eat at home.”
6. It is church, not crèche There are those annoying parents who leave their children unattended in church, and the little brats would run all over the place, screaming and getting into everybody’s nerves. This is just poor parenting. These parents should turn to Exodus 18:20: “Teach them (children) His decrees and laws, and show them the way to live and the duties they are to perform.”
7. ‘Phoney’ worshippers Ever wondered why someone would go to church without a Bible and spend the better part of the service picking calls and whispering a monotonous answer, “Niko church.” This is after a horrid ringtone belting out some disconcerting vernacular song. Even though Psalm 100 says that “make a joyful noise unto the lord...” I don’t think the distraction from your battered ‘kabambe’ qualifies as such.
8. Quickie types You’ve seen them every Sunday. They are always in a hurry and impatient, wondering when the preacher will conclude the sermon. They come in late and are the first to leave. For this lot, I prescribe Psalm 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God...”
9. Big-eyed oglers There are those who go to church to lustfully ogle at other worshippers. To these I quote Matthew 5:28-29: “But I say unto you, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
10. Milk dispenser We love you mothers, but it’s so 1945 to expose your nyosh to feed the baby while others are trying to communicate with their maker.
