Niongezee fare: 10 types of matatu passengers

 A makanga’s work is not as easy as it may seem

Hate them or love them, we can’t do without matatus. We cheer when they cut corners and ‘overlap’ because we are always late. A makanga’s work is not as easy as it may seem. It’s not just about kujaza gari and collecting money from the passengers.

Then there’s always that makanga who conveniently ‘forgets’ to give back your change and then shukisha you in Ruiru town instead of the KU stage.

You will also meet different types of passengers in a matatu. Here are 10 such passengers:

1. Hungry birds

They are always eating, nibbling at crisps, popcorns, peanuts, chips and bananas. Of course the case of the pregnant mama tearing at a ‘kuku porno’ is understandable and forgivable.

These ‘hungry birds’ in matatus have no shame and would ignore the juicy drippings down their hands and mouths. They are adept at spotting and summoning hawkers for mahindi  chemsha, mandazi, yoghurt and mayai boiro. Others carry food from home.

They will feast on oily chicken wings and samosas, making the vehicle smell like some ‘chips mwitu’ kitchen.

2. Kuvuta waya

They wait patiently on the queue, not bothering to call. But once they board a matatu, they fish out their phones and launch into a loud, lengthy conversation.

It could be about office mushene, a hot date they’re trying to ‘ingiza box,’ or family problems centred on a cheating spouse.

Others demand their debts be paid while, some turn the matatu into a conference call about their business deals, selling mabati and ngothas and all kinds of mitumba.

3. Sleepy head

They get in, pay first and start snoring before you can say ‘BRT!’ They lean on your shoulder, sweating and drooling, and occasionally shtuka from their reverie and ask, “Tumefika?”

4. Small talk 

These are people who never get the hint that you do not want to talk to them.

Even if you put on your earphones, they will still tap your shoulder and pose: “Where do you think Miguna Miguna is right now?” Even monosyllabic answers will not deter them. They will continue with annoying questions like, “Madam, have you read the Ndung’u Land Report?”

Ahh, okay!

5. Window bug

They sit next to the dirisha and refuse to open it, no matter how stuffy it gets.

Their argument is that, “baridi nyingi sana.” It can get really bad if you are sandwiched between two jamaas who bath once in a month...or when some mandondo-loving passenger let’s off one of those suffocating, silencer farts!

6. Peeping Toms

They will lean as if they’re opening the window, kumbe they’re reading your phone messages. These shameless passengers sometimes even suggest how you should reply to some messages, besides requesting you to forward them videos, yet you have never met! 

7. Gazeti addicts

 They squeeze you and crane their necks to read your newspaper before demanding, “Nipe page 10,” especially when they realise the gazeti belongs to the matatu Sacco.

They open the newspaper wide, pushing you off your seat. Warning: Some of these guys could be pickpockets, deliberately distracting you to relieve you of your valuables.

8. Mother goose 

They will dump their kids on your lap. The brats will proceed to pee on you, yet you’re headed for a job interview. Others stick their luggage around your feet.

That uncomfortable journey will last until Nakuru mtu wangu, where at least you will be able to stretch your legs and pee.

9. Niongezee fare

They are always short of the fare by Sh20, and will pester you to “niongezee fare” when the makanga threatens to throw them out.

Funny thing is when the makanga becomes too harsh and no-one offers to help, they will get into that inner jeans pocket and fish out a Sh200 or Sh500 note!

10. Anti-shower

They smell like the ‘honey suckers’ hurtling to Ruai sewerage treatment. Sadly, most passengers with body odour are oblivious of the condition.

They are always talking, making body movements exposing smelly armpits and mouths.