Shave! 10 things to note before sending nudes

It is wrong to send nudes. But that has never stopped men and women from indulging in this piffle. I’m not judging, I live in a glass house, and will be very hesitant to throw any stone, we are going into a cold season.

Most men can’t resist the urge to request for nudes, especially from the more voluptuous women. Long time ago, or before the advent of smartphones, we relied in the good old internet for pictures of naked women.

But nowadays, any girl on your WhatsApp can potentially send you the nudes if you have good persuasion skills, or can coax her enough.

I see people making elementary mistakes and some of us men, our future political careers will never take off, because we have incriminating evidence that will destroy our careers since blackmailing is now a full-time career for some people.

So, lest you get yourself in a mess, here are a few rules of exchanging.

1. Shave

For woman, you have to be shaven. You have to. Even the French now shave. Pubic hair is such a turn-off, a sign of poor hygiene and a terrible a kill-joy. Shave — even if the only equipment available is a lawn mower.

2. Leave the face out

Most female pros know this simple fact. You don’t know how the man on the other end will use the pictures.

He can use them in the bathroom in the company of the good old Vaseline jelly. He can send to his peers. Or he can potentially leak them to the media, when there is motivation, e.g. when you get the promotion at your place of work and the sore loser wants to control or manipulate you.

3. Judge the character of the person asking for nudes

Any person asking for nudes is a deeply flawed character. So, as you click send, know that your photos may end up in potentially wrong hands.

Recently my two-year-old daughter, while playing with the phone, sent some screenshot to a group, but thankfully, it wasn’t something incriminating.

I had just done my routine cleaning of the phone. What I’m saying, measure the intellectual and psychological faculties of the recipient. What is the worst they can do? Men are mostly stupid. Women lately have become ferocious and vindictive humans.

Use your judgment and have all the doubt that you are wrong. Remember a jilted lover is a suicidal human being and can be desperate.

4. People should earn the pictures

Your body is precious. Nudity deprives you the privilege of decency. Once someone sees you naked, that privilege goes.

So, a man or a woman must earn the privilege. How about knowing each other long enough, before you even think about it.

5. Good colour. Good posing

Make sure you are well-oiled. Some butts can be dryer like the driest part of the Kalahari. Make the poses as creative and flattering as possible.

Provoke the man’s imagination to the edge of death. Because imagination is toxic.

6. Adjust the boobs accordingly

I can’t stress this more. I can’t stress enough. Deflated balloons are a turn off.

7. Joe Woods should up and alert

I asked a female friend about their expectations and she told upfront: The penis must be erect. No flabby, shy stuff.

And if you are going to send someone a picture of your bender, you’d better have decent equipment, not a tadpole that will scandalise your mother in law.

8. The rule of give and take

For every incriminating photo you send, make sure you have something equally incriminating to pre-empt any future attempt at blackmail. Don’t be the one on the begging end of things when sh*t hits the fan.

9. If you are a man, you may want to be careful

If you are a man, be careful. Ordinarily you should not send. But if you ask, the law dictates that you return the favour.

But leaked photos of a naked man are uglier, more awkward than those of a woman, in my view, tread carefully.

10. If someone blackmails you, let them release them

In the likely even some fool ever threatens to release your nudes, let them do it. Nothing will deflate them.

We excessively fear nudity, but wonder lasts nine days, the English wise men once said. People forget pretty fast and move on to the more pressing matters.

Whatever millions they want, let them get from elsewhere. Never succumb to blackmail. NEVER.

@nyanchwani

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