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The law of the love and marriage jungle dictates that mpango wa kando (side dish) remains in the woodworks.
But these ‘arrangements’ have gone overboard as the erstwhile timid mpangos brazenly flaunt the illicit affairs, much to the chagrin of wives and their friends.
Here are 10 commandments for a mpango wa kando, also known as the ‘side mattress.’
1. Thou shall not cheat
It is a sin for the mpango to become another mpango of another married man. It’s even a bigger and blacker sin for you to eye your ‘sponsor’s’ married friend.
You shall also not display any mwitu marriage certificate to the effect that you are not a mpango but ‘a proud second wife!’
2. Thou shall not steal
As a mpango wa kando, you are forbidden from stealing a married man from his long-suffering wife and in-house brats.
You shall not let him overstay in your SQ after a weekend of breaking biblical commandments. If you do, a heavy Kisii stone will be tied around your well-toned neck before you’re thrown and rolled in a drum full of bees from Kitui!
3. Thou shall not bear false witness
You shall not go before a group of 120,000 women and spill your guts out lamenting how your man’s wife hates you.
You shall not say she is a bad cook, terrible homemaker or poor in bed, hence the reason the hubby is cheating with you. You shall not say she’s a nag and doesn’t care about his business.
4. Thou shall not visit a mchawi
It’s illegal, desperate and very needy to visit a witchdoctor. You shall not ride many miles with a kijana wa mkono to see a witchdoctor.
You shall not defend yourself by saying you are shooting a movie.
5. Thou shall not covet your rival
You shall not covet anything that belongs to your rival. You shall not look at her children with green jealous eyes.
You shall not covet her shamba boy, her juice maker, her cutlery, the colour of her nail polish, her weave, her chicken or anything that is your rival’s.
6. Thou shall not have online catfights There is no airing of polygamous tattered and smelly linen kwa mitandao ya kijamii.
You shall not post photos of yourself in nguo za safari in a bid to compete. You shall not insult each other, question the existence of each other or swear to rip off her face.
Relax, you are a mpango. No one knoweth the day or hour when the man will leave you.
7. Thou shall not expose nude photos
This is a new one my people. We are used to seeing semi-nudes and nudes from wannabe socialites.
Please mpango, though shall not take semi-nudes and cover yourself partially with the flag of Kenya. You shall not do this to make the wife insanely jealousy and insecure.
8. Thou shall not call at ungodly hours
Never bother the wife with calls or answering the man’s phone when the wife calls and you’re around. You shall forever be invisible.
Stop attention-seeking theatrics. It’s common knowledge that you should give that poor man time with his wife. Don’t, and I repeat, don’t call that man at ungodly hours - that’s after six in the evening!
9. Thou shall not kill the goose
Though shall not hire thugs to kill the married man so that you inherit his property. He is the goose that lays the golden egg.
You shall not poison the wife, her children or ‘Bosco’, the pet dog. The Lord shall not hold you innocent of these sins.
10. Thou shall not call a press conference
When the married man leaves you, as he will eventually do, please don’t call the media with photos of your times together and sexy text messages confirming your illicit affair. Going to the press to embarrass him will not bring him back.
