10 problems local waganga claim they can solve

 From what’s mostly on offer, one can safely say Kenyans have peculiar problems

Nobody has ever asked why waganga have a penchant for advertising their stuff on trees and on mabati walls of construction sites. Shall we just say that Kenyans are more interested in their services than how they’re advertised?

Okay, then, from what’s mostly on offer, one can safely say Kenyans have peculiar problems, considering waganga claim to have powers to sort out issues like wasi wasi kazini, kuchunga boma and kurudisha mtu aliyepotea. But how come Kenya Police hardly use waganga to catch criminals, yet in the US, they use psychic detectives?

Here are 10 problems waganga claim they can solve:

1. Kupewa ngazi

This is not in reference to ngazi, meaning ladder, but promotions that are hard to come by in places where tribe and networks are king. But instead of being asked to bring kuku wa manyoya za blue, why not use the money to take part time college classes and spruce up your CV? Madaraka is earned, and mganga fee could push one or two semesters, you know.

2. Kushinda keshi

While former CJ Dr Willy Mutunga advised Kenyans to seek waganga services in dragging court cases, still, it’s cheaper to ‘open a file’ with an advocate as opposed to burning the dough gassing to Tanzania. There are also other options, including using alternative dispute resolution (ADR) avenues and the pre-trial conference under the reformed Judiciary to settle matters out of court.

3. Kuongeza nguvu za kiume

Bedroom matters are more in the mind than in the matter down there. Wacha anxiety. Eat well, exercise and check whether you have ailments that hinder free flow of blood. Or take herbal stuff and not necessarily from that Maasai who hawks bitter liquids in bars.

4. Kuimariasha biashara

Most successful businesspeople will tell you how they work their small butts off to stay afloat. They do market research, identify gaps in the market or simply invest in what they’re good at. Going to a mganga just means kuimarisha his or her biashara...just saying!

5. Kushika mwizi

Just stay safe. Borrow from the president’s (in)famous quote, “Security begins with you,” and importantly so, implement it. You have also stolen something at some point in your life and yet are not in jail. Fence your home and fit a CCTV worth Sh3k to catch thieves, rather than deposit the amount with a mganga.

6. Kuzuia ndoto mbaya

Nightmares have their place in a healthy life. They jolt you into thinking twice about some things. But on average, cultivate positive thinking. Read the good book before you sleep. Make sure you are so exhausted to recall the dreams.

7. Kurudisha mtu aliyepotea

If these stuff works, why are criminals who escape from jails still roaming free? Okay, cops can’t use waganga considering use of witchcraft is illegal in Kenya and their work entails maintaining law and order. But again, why do people burn thousands of shillings in print adverts searching for lost relatives?

8. Kupata bibi/bwana

Kenya has 40 million people, half of them women, half of those single and suffering lasses dying to have an in-house joystick. Again, unless you want to get married to the mganga, there are better ways like online dating sites for your consideration.

9. Kupata kazi

If the years spent in school were not enough to make you self-employed, then how will a few minutes with a mganga make HR look at your yellowing job application differently?

10. Kuzuia chuki/kuonewa

You can relocate, change jobs, change friends, change bars.