There’s no gainsaying the power of alcohol. Many a baby has been conceived, thanks to liquor. Alcohol has fuelled the courage to tell bosses to go to hell, exes have been begged or insulted and in-laws asked for bride price refunds. Thanks to alcohol, even average guys have been able to get laid.
Women too have a right to imbibe. A woman’s taste in alcohol is a reflection of her personality. Let me break it down for you. We have those who go for fruit-flavoured drinks that more often than not come in cans. These types are young, mostly in college or campus, doing below-par courses.
Walk into a club and you’ll see them clutching men who have swallowed their problems, as is evident from their protruding bellies! These women are average thinkers who are convinced that the Ombudsman is a town in Yugoslavia. For them, life starts and ends with looking trendy and taking selfies with pouted lips. You could say they are typical bimbos in limbo.
After two or three cans of their ‘girly’ drinks, they begin to giggle like maniacs in an asylum. Their dance moves become raunchier with every drink. All a man needs is to get them another round and he’ll be sorted for the night. Most of them cannot even afford their own drinks.
Then there are the wine sippers. I classify them into two groups. There are those who are totally clueless about wines - their countries of origin, taste and colour. They have no idea what kind of grapes their so-called favourite drink is made from. In fact, they do not give a hoot. The only reason they take wine is to appear grown and classy, yet they are far from it.
All they know is, “Nipatie red wine, ile sweet!” FYI madam, we have hundreds of sweet red wines, so you’ll have to be more specific than that. These women are not even sure of what they want in life and are opportunists. You’ll find them in clubs drinking soda and when you offer to buy a drink, they will suddenly develop a taste for wine. They are the ones who do not even know their baby-daddies and would pin pregnancies on any poor soul out there.
The other group is conversant with fine wine. They are classy women, independent and smart. You will find them in official wear on a Friday evening at some middle-class or high-end restaurant catching up and talking business, money and of course men.
Men, be warned. These women are too full of themselves and would blatantly turn down your offer to buy them a drink. They would sneer at a man because his suit looks Gikombaish, yet bother the pastor with the same prayer request for a husband every Sunday! That is how unrealistic they are. They set the bar too high.
We also have beer gobblers. My, oh my! (insert Jeff Koinange’s tone here). This is a breed that is both in touch and out of touch with reality. Most women who drink beer are laden with problems. They might have 99 problems, but quaffing beer from the bottle is not one of them. They are hardly young, mostly middle-aged and above and can afford to throw a few rounds for the men milling around without a flinch.
They tend to be cougars who go to bars for more than a drink. Woe unto you if one zeroes in on you, especially if she is nursing one of those dark and bitter beer brands, reputed to kick the libido so high, beyond Brother Ocholla’s Cloud 9. However, they are gentle souls who comprehend what life entails.
Lord bless and have mercy too on the women who go for the hard stuff. No, I am not talking about the cheap poison in plastic bottles or traditional brew. Any woman who entertains such concoctions is what Owago Nyiro means by ichieni?! They are cursed and need divine intervention. I am referring to the rare calibre of female drinkers who were created when the Lord was in an unfathomable mood. They are women who sip Scotch whisky with reverence.
They know their brandy and take gin because it stimulates their intellect. They become all philosophical after the second double, with insightful observations like how it is unnecessary to buy a whole pig when you can sample different sausages! These are women who settle for nothing less than they deserve.
They are no-nonsense, very smart, yet still dismissible. They are not easy to comprehend because they blow hot and cold at the same time. But they are nonetheless adorable and candid to a fault.
Want to know where I fall? Ask me out for a drink. Of course you’ll pick the tab!
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