The Local: Praying in pub is like inviting Satan to church

Nyambu ‘Sinyorita,’ the counter girl at the local has brought new masharti at Wa-Hannah’s. One is praying before attacking roast goat ribs since tulevis rarely pray for Onywaji which is more expensive.

And while there can be scarcity of meat, booze is ever in steady supply, but tulevis never seem to count their blessings.

Kang’ethe ordered for kichwa mbuzi choma with pili pili mbili, while Owish ordered for a kilo ya pan fry beef with onions and ugali ya mlunje mwenye njaa ya mjengo. Owish was sharing his helping with Diameter and Kot-Kot. Kang’ethe, like a mchawi, eats alone.

Nyambu demanded that they all wait for her to pray. Papa English protested that praying in a pub made him feel like Satan in a church!

Nyambu threatened not to serve any booze to those who refused to pray, yet onywaji is a luxury and not everyone is lucky in Kenya, a Third World country where people survive 100 metres below the poverty line.

Eyes closed, Nyambu began to pray, asking God to, among others things, “wewe Mungu make sure hii nyama imeiva vizuri and no one should harisha afterwards.”

Papa English opened one eye as if in wonder of where Sir God was coming in regarding nyama kuiva, yet it was Waka-Knife’s department at the wire mesh.

Meat in Kenya is cut by the butcher who has to onja one piece to assure the suspicious that it is neither donkey, nor poisoned meat. But Waka-Knife took advantage of closed eyes and threw more meat pieces into the back of his throat than was constitutionally allowed.

Owish was rolling a stone-like hot piece of ugali inside the cusp of the right hand to cool it, as prayers stretched. Impatient, Kang’ethe tried pulling the ulimi from the kichwa ya mbuzi. The plate fell with a thud. Everyone opened their eyes. Waka-Knife, fearing he would be caught in the act, swallowed a piece of meat in a hurry na akanyongwa, his eyes bulging like gololi.

Papa English slapped his back. He coughed, but not the piece, out. Everyone joined in slapping, beating, kneading and elbowing his back. Waka-Knife fainted.

The doctor at the hospital said Waka-Knife was clearly a victim of very ugly mob justice!