Tactics Kenyan women use to 'sit on' men

 For the clueless, women are powerful.

A fortnight ago, gospel musician Bahati was trending on social media. This was after it emerged that a number of musicians signed to his record label had left, citing his ‘wife’ as reason for their departure.

They claimed he had been a good man, but after he married, his wife “changed him” for the worse, and he is no longer the friendly, professional man they grew up with.

Some of Bahati’s daring fans went ahead to ask the singer, whom they claim is ‘sat on’, to dump his wife, telling him she will be the reason for his downfall.

With conflicting narratives, no one is sure what is going on in the Bahati camp, but the casting of his wife as the villain is interesting.

For the clueless, women are powerful. When they get into a man’s life, they change it either for the best or worst.

Small wonder then, that, sages engraved this little maxim in a saying. “Behind every successful man is a woman”.

Don’t forget also that some of the biggest empires in history were brought down by women.

We have all seen men change drastically after getting married. So much so that they drop friends, cut off relatives, or suddenly lack a spine and get ‘sat on’. Some women ‘grab power’ and misuse it, forcing their men to change their character and personality.

We all remember a former president, going out of his way to hold a press conference, just to, get this, declare that he has only one wife!

Needless to mention a former national football team goalkeeper who was forced to pay for an advert in the local daily, declaring he loves his wife. This was after he was allegedly caught cheating.

Let’s face it, without knowing it, most men are ‘sat on’, with households run by wives who wield formidable soft power. Despite being breadwinners, most men are mere figureheads in their homes, as some admitted to this writer.

“Some of us chest thump and make a lot of noise out here, but it’s our wives who are in control in these homes,” says Simon Ndegwa, a 38-year-old city businessman.

“Look, after outfoxing us to pay dowry for marriage, which is of mutual benefit to both of us, they determine what we eat, wear or, at times using soft power, where we live, the cars we drive, the work we do or where we go for holiday,” laughs Ndegwa.

The good man says, knowing they can’t match men in physical strength, women have mastered the art of soft power, which they use to control boyfriends and husbands.

He gives the example of his wife, who employs various strategies to have her way.

Powerful tears

“She either sheds copious amounts of tears or becomes overly obedient and submissive when she wants something from me,” he says, adding that no man wants to see his woman cry and look weak and defenseless, hence the use of this method to manipulate men.

Many other men, too, shared with this writer how their women use soft power to manipulate them and other little mind-games they play for their own advantage.

For Gilbert Nyikuli, many of the women he has dated, besides perfecting the art of winning all arguments, use sweet, endearing pet names to their advantage.

He says women use sweet names because they have a special way of establishing fondness and familiarity.

“Most women have mastered how to coo names such as ‘sweetheart’, ‘honey’ and ‘darling’ in men’s ears softly,” says Nyikuli.

He adds that any woman who knows how to softly moan into her man’s ears his endearing pet name, especially during pillow talk, always has their way.

According to Jael, a journalist, another trick women use to manipulate and control their men is touch.

She says women have perfected various touches, especially public displays of affection, and know how to use them in their men to get favours from them.

“No boyfriend or husband can ignore certain types of touches from their women. They always do it, while communicating their needs using bedroom eyes, making the man helpless at her mercy. Needles to add, the tone is always lowered and seductive,” she says.

For her, one common trick she uses is what she calls “comparing strategy”, among others. When she wants things done for her, she never directly tables her demands.

“When you openly declare what you want, some men are always quick to put you off by declaring they have no money or time. So the best way is either to employ nagging, seductive dressing with a killer cleavage and some flesh on display or compare and hint strategy,” she says.

Jael says to get something from her man, she starts by listing what he has done to other people who are dear to him, insinuating that she doesn’t want to be left out.

“You bought your mother a colourful kitenge, you got your sister the latest phone, I have overheard you promising your grandma a water tank… who am I to you? I need a new cooker,” she, chuckling, gives an example of how she makes her demands.

Faking helplessness

Anne Wangui says that many women fake helplessness or pretend to be stupid to get things done for them by men.

“To win women’s approval, most men like coming off as helpful or resourceful to women. The best way to access such generosity is by feigning helplessness or acting silly or clueless,” she giggles. Wangui says when a man feels he is needed or he is the only saviour to a woman, it massages his ego and jolts him into action.

“Sometimes the stuff we get men to do for us, we can do them by ourselves. But if it’s a messy, dirty activity like fixing a TV aerial, blocked kitchen sink or changing a car tyre, which we don’t want to do, we pretend that we’re a damsel in distress and that we need our knight in shining armour to come to the rescue,” she laughs.

Yet another classic way women use to assert dominance and have stuff done for them is launching a ‘cold war’. Alice Mwangashi, a university student, says women will go mute when their demands are not met.

They stop picking phone calls, replying to text messages and keep communication at bare minimum, forcing men to unlock the deadlock by giving in.

“Most people value something when they are about to lose it. So by behaving in a manner likely to suggest they are withdrawing or losing interest, she sends the warning that you are about to lose her, prompting you to act,” says Mwangashi.

Needless to mention, the daring ones who know how ‘weak’ their men are and have mastered the art of putting their bodies to valuable and rewarding use.

When they are not withholding or rationing conjugal rights, they make their demands bang in the heat of the moment. That’s how many others get job promotions, business deals and political party nominations.

Jared Kisia, a lecturer and sociologist based in Nairobi, is of the opinion that close relationship with women; be they daughters, wives, grandmothers, co-workers, can easily alter the attitudes and actions of men, at their job or at home, in varying ways.

“Women are very powerful and have a lot of influence on men they closely interact with. For instance, men with daughters tend to be feminist and mind more about women’s rights. Those married to housewives, tend to be sexist,” he says.