Strange things that attract Kenyan women to men

For some time, men have grappled with the question of what really attracts women to them. Many men have gone to extreme lengths such as throwing money at the women they desire to win their hearts — but all in vain. Many men just don’t seem to know what tickles the fancy of most Kenyan women. Apparently, certain stereotypes seem to be driving women to certain types of men.

Gentlemen, if you are tall, dark and handsome yet no woman seems to be interested in you, then, perhaps, it’s time you changed your career. Some of the women this writer talked to confessed that certain careers nurture men to be better boyfriends and husbands.

Apparently, some Kenyan women find men in uniform — police, army men and others — extremely attractive.

Cate Mumbi, a businesslady, claims she has a fetish for army men. She says these are the best men to date.

“They are physically fit, considering the routine physical exercises they do. And following their tip-top physical condition, it is likely that they are of good health. That they exercise every day hints at how healthy they are. Dating a sickly man can be quite a challenge,” she says.

 Unlike their counterparts in other professions who are susceptible to being obese, army men remain physically fit and very strong.

 “I get turned off by fat men. I associate them with laziness, dirt and sluggishness. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to predict that a lazy man will definitely be lazy in the bed.

“Considering most of these bulky men have heart problems, I don’t want to run the risk of ‘overworking’ a bulky man who could faint in the middle of making love. How will I explain to people?” chuckles Cate, adding that their (fat men) walking style alone hints at their sluggishness and lack of rhythm — aspects she considers very vital, and in fact, puts a lot of premium on when it comes to bedroom matters.

 Army men, being members of the so-called ‘disciplined forces’, are prone to taking instructions and implementing orders.

“I like a man who takes instructions. Unfortunately, most Kenyan men behave like cavemen. They have the know-it-all attitude and are never willing to learn or to be told anything. To them, slapping a woman’s backside and yelling kaa vizuri is what they consider foreplay. I have dated at least three army men and one thing I can attest to is that considering they are used to taking commands and orders from their bosses, they are very cooperative at the home front.

“At home, they don’t grumble when asked to assist in undertaking household chores. Also, when getting intimate with an army man, all you need to do is whisper instructions — touch here, there, faster, harder and the likes — and they follow to the letter,” adds Cate, as she giggles.

MEN IN UNIFORM

Winnie Namale, a teacher, though not married to a man in uniform, says before she got married, she had a penchant for policemen, and dated them quite a bit. She says dating policemen was the closest she would come to dating a superman (a fictional superhero) — her childhood obsession.

“I had a crush on superman, and in my small mind, I grew up hoping to, one day, date and get married to a man who could do anything and everything. I used to, and partly still, find policemen alluring and irresistible. I used to get weak in the knees and my face would melt into a smile whenever I saw a cop in uniform, badges stuck on his shirt and handcuffs dangling from his belt loop. I could literary stop and stare,” says Namale.

She adds that uniform sort of symbolises alpha qualities like authority, courage and confidence. “Cops are brave and courageous, and have heroic and strong character. In the presence of a policeman, you feel a sense of security and protection. All these are attributes we women look for in men,” she adds. 

Despite their flextime work schedule, which requires them to be at work any time they have an emergency, she still dated and loved them. “The only problem about policemen is that they can be called to work anytime of the day or night. For instance, currently when we have bombs going off all over the place, your man could be required to leave you for work anytime. You can plan a romantic night characterised by nothing but ‘fireworks’, but just after that romantic dinner, a bomb goes off in Eastleigh (like it did the other day) and your man is asked to report at the scene — immediately. You can imagine the agony,” she says.

She adds: “That they venture into conflict zones makes them even more attractive. It points to how caring they are, and that comes with a feeling of coziness to most of us women.”

She also says the fact that these men can survive hard times at warfronts — for months — by themselves points to the fact that they can take care of themselves — can cook and clean without necessarily nagging wives.

Namale winds up by slamming accountants by claiming most of them are very stingy, adding that she can’t touch such tight-fisted men with a ten-feet pole. She says: “Stingy men are not only mean with cash but also with love. Once they have achieved what they want, they roll over and start snoring, leaving you high and dry…no cuddling, no sweet nothings…”

‘WAZUNGU’ AND WEST AFRICANS

Talking of romance, Dottie Kawira, tells this writer about her friend Ann* (not her real name) who just can’t resist foreign men. She says Ann has a fetish for wazungu (white men). However unattractive the mzungu may be, Ann just can’t help it. She always falls for them.

“My pal Ann* is into wazungu; she has dated white men since she was in campus. She met her first white man while in Mombasa during a school trip. They broke up later, and she hooked up with yet another mzungu… As we speak, she is on her third mzungu to whom she is engaged, and hopes to marry,” reveals Kawira.

Elsewhere, tales have been told of Kenyan women who just can’t resist West African men. The moment a man introduces himself as Okeke, Chinedu or Okechukwu, some Kenyan women are said to fall in love immediately.

A friend shocked this writer with a tale about her buddy — a female radio presenter in Nairobi — who was ‘used and dumped’ by a Nigerian man on their third day of knowing each other.

The radio presenter’s buddy revealed that she ( the presenter) still has a soft spot for West African men, despite her last three attempts to date one yielding nothing. Allegedly, these men, unlike their Kenyan counterparts, are very romantic, caring and generally know how to treat women better.

However, this stereotype has failed to pass test of time and scrutiny. For instance, a while back, a renowned Kenyan ‘drama queen’ publicly scandalised her Nigerian boyfriend. She laid bare details of how “useless” he was, and called him names, among them, a “womaniser”.

Some Kenyan women are into West African men so much so that some smart and envious Kenyan men are milking the situation of all its worth, by masquerading as West Africans. Little wonder then that there is an influx of men who introduce themselves as Emeka, Okonkwo, Chinedu, Obina and Ofweneke.

GHANAIAN-LUHYA

Noel Akinyi, an up-coming actress, is a victim of one such sly Kenyan man.

“It just hit me that the man I have been dating for almost four months claiming to be Ghanaian is actually Kenyan. I stumbled upon his documents and, upon closer scrutiny, I got a rude awakening: the man is actually a Luhya. In fact, from a place called Shamakhokho.

“Yet he had been pretending to be Ghanaian, complete with a heavy West African accent. There were no tell-tale signs that this man was Kenyan. In fact, he had a penchant for agabada (that embroidered, bulbous West African garb). I can’t believe I fell for the con,” Akinyi narrates, and chuckles amid sobs.

She adds that immediately she made that discovery, the fondness and feelings she had begun developing for the ‘Ghanaian-Luhya’ instantly evaporated.

Milly Wambui, a self-proclaimed ‘choosy woman’, on the other hand, reveals that she puts very little premium on looks, but instead emphasises a lot on the mannerism. Apparently, she gets attracted to men with manners that point to romantic prowess.

According to her, a man’s mere walking style hints at how romantic he is likely to be. “I just love flexible men. Men who can’t dance or who walk sluggishly hint at how ‘useless’ they are romance-wise,” she says. She doesn’t stop there, she proceeds to regale this writer with more strange traits she looks for in men.

“Again, you can be ‘hot’ but how you talk will turn me on or off. I remember going out with some dude (a man) for a while. He used to talk so fast that I could hardly hear what he said at times,” she says, adding that the man was so clumsy and loud that he didn’t know how to whisper sweet-nothings.

“You can imagine a man ‘rapping’ inaudible sweet nothings in your ears? How unromantic!” she sneers. From her previous experience with unromantic men, she warns that her heart is a no-go zone for unromantic men. She winds up by regaling this writer with a tale of how she encountered a man who didn’t know how to kiss. “Back in the day, I dated a man — good looking, monied and all, but a pathetic kisser. He used to suck my tongue, you would think it were a vacuum cleaner sucking dust from a surface,” she chuckles. All this torture went on as he gave her a dead fish eyes and stared at her as if her face were a grisly accident scene! What’s more, he deposited litres of saliva in her mouth.

So there you have it gentlemen. To bag a Kenyan woman, you will perhaps have to change careers, masquerade as a foreigner—preferably a West African (now that you can’t pretend to be a mzungu), or better still, polish your mannerism and become more romantic.