Guys, stop this grooming nonsense and be real jamaas

 Women are less attracted to men who groom themselves Photo; Courtesy

One of the most beautiful women I know had a life-changing experience last weekend. She had gone to fix her nails. The person in the next booth was a man, seemingly cool with a copy of True Love magazine as his nails were being fixed.

"It is weird, too weird. I doubt if that will ever be normal to me," she wrote on Facebook. I would have dismissed that as another Facebook rant, except that a week before, my nephew, a promising lawyer, had seen men near Nairobi Bus Station's pedicure booths having their nails fixed. He was livid. He called me to ask what my take was?

Alarmed, I called a male friend who earns a living scrubbing scales off women's feet and he confirmed my worst fears.

"Awhile back, women brought their men for occasional grooming. But the number of guys voluntarily coming for pedicures is on the rise," he told me matter-of-factly.

Now, I am a worried man. Why would a man go for a pedicure and manicure? If he is not straight, or identifies with the female gender, I will be slow to judge. But why do straight men  go for pedicures and manicures? Real men, by definition, should not even cut their nails, unless they are using a stone, Nacet razor blade or their teeth! Using a nail-cutter is sissy behaviour. Even showering daily is unmanly. A man's

But times have changed. I once walked into the bathroom of some bachelor and the stuff I saw there would shame even a socialite with a bleaching history. It was like a cosmetics lab. There were all manner of soaps, shampoos, jellies, and other products that made me question which team he plays for. Men who groom, even go for waxing, are really trapped in male bodies. Maybe they should consider a sex change.

From experience, I know that you cannot hold an intelligent conversation with these men. Listening to water boil in a kettle will be more entertaining. Such a man will rarely have time to read a book or watch some film to help develop his clearly underdeveloped mental faculties and social skills. They like the company of women, where they can talk about inconsequential things of life such as fashion or what Kim Kadarshian wore to some stupid gala. Men who groom and discuss fashion probably try their wives' or girlfriends' underwear secretly at home.

Real men shower probably once a day in very cold water, but once a week would be ideal. They occasionally use a deodorant and don't eat fast foods. Real men seek knowledge, not the superficial stuff of life. That is for women. Women were created differently. Even the most intelligent among them, when left together in a room, will immediately start talking about hairdos, stilettos and 'men who are dogs.'  Luckily, for women, there are men who are decidedly effeminate. They should be good company.

Could this be the reason why more Nigerian men are snatching our women? I think so. What kind woman would accept a man who will hog all the bathroom space with his cosmetics?

It is a scary prospect and I foresee a situation where men will become irrelevant in the near future. Ask any woman and they will tell you they need a strong man. They need men who can take charge, sweat it out. They need men who can dominate them in bed, hold them down and take them to where Brother Ocholla takes the woman he claims to be his wife. Well groomed men cannot handle the more physically demanding aspects of life, be it inside or outside the bedroom.

As for women, skip on any man with polished nails, who wears a pink shirt, or who has anything other than a bar soap in his bathroom. They will never amount to much.