Torn ngotha: 10 things we take for granted when in a hurry

 It would be safe to wear clean underwear that is not torn []Photo: Courtesy]

There are several things that Kenyans take for granted when in a hurry Like wearing torn ngothas, what if your imported suit rips in the middle of the street Grabbing mutura at Kikopey without carrying a tissue paper is another one

There are things that Kenyans take for granted when in a hurry. Remember the late Minister John Michuki and his torn sock? Or Dr Julia Ojiambo and one heel that dropped of her shoe during an official public engagement and she had to expertly balance the whole time?

Then there was the foreign dignitary who removed what he thought was a hanky from his coat pocket only to remove his son’s socks and oblivious of what he had picked, proceeded to wipe his brow.

Here are 10 things Kenyans take for granted…  

 1. Sex clip on phone

 Some store forwarded sex clips which unfortunately turn themselves on when they sit on their phones in a matatu and gadgets have ways of refusing to be turned off when they’re hell bent on embarrassing their owners, hadharani…  

2. Torn ngotha

With all the daylight muggings happening in Nairobi it would be safe to wear clean underwear that is not torn. These muggers in town ensure that they leave your trousers or skirt in pieces and you can imagine standing on Tom Mboya Street without shoes and visible torn old school underwear beneath what was a well pressed, imported suit!

 3. Tissue paper onge!

This has happens when travelling from Nairobi to Eldoret or Kisumu after grabbing mutura at Kikopey and upon reaching Nakuru you shout, “dere simama tujisaidie” but alas! you never carry tissue paper and the alternative is a kichaka with stinging nettles!

 4. Rubber Johnny in handbag

Those women who leave their condoms inside handbags are sometimes shocked when they fish them from the handbag and start blowing them during that long journey to shags in a matatu…   

 5. Flashing CD 

Related to number four is when randy Kenyans do it in a hurry and proceed to flash CD in the toilet. But CD has its own ideas. In the case of one man of God, it refused to be completely flushed, blocking the sewerage system. It was then that it was discovered what he had been doing all along!

 6. That hankie thong

This happens to men who pick their bed mate’s thong mistaking it for a hankie on their way to work in the morning…before using it to wipe their brow during power point presentation. 

 7. Wrong luggage

 When leaving for the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, some travellers have been known to pick the similar looking bag full of old note books, maps and kids kindergarten drawings as they absentmindedly leave the one with their clothes when rushing out.

  8. Kusalimia watchie

 You must have visited a place you assumed to know and, in your hurry, failed to greet the watchie at the gate only for you to retrace your steps, looking foolish, while being polite as you beg for directions.  

 9. Terms and Conditions Apply

This normally happen when buying things on offer. Or taking a bank loan or insurance cover or joining a corporate without reading the small print at the end which warns that ‘Terms and Conditions Apply’ which in Kiswahili translates to “Sheria na Masharti Kutimika!”

 10. Expired DL

 Now that President Uhuru Kenyatta has ordered traffic police to do their work after chasing NTSA from Kenyan roads, you can imagine the zeal with which they have been arresting those who forgot to renew their driving licenses…or those who absentmindedly carry Mama Watoto’s DL and can’t out figure why the cop is smiling when comparing pictures…