Ficha kifunguu! Ingenious measures bachelors have devised to stop being stolen from by ‘chips funga’

 “They pack everything and when it is time to leave the house, they discover to their horror that they cannot find the key"

Men in Nairobi who a) like their drink, b) pick women up in nightclubs - be they commercial sex workers or consenting adults, and c) take them to their apartments, are familiar with one painful fact of these escapades: The woman might potentially drug and steal from them.

There are no statistics yet as to how many men have been robbed in Nairobi, but all drinkers know of at least one friend or friends who have been taken to the cleaners by the women they brought home after a night of carousal.

For their indiscretions, bachelors have paid a heavy price, often when some of their electronics stolen, including laptops, which sometimes contain valuable data belonging to their employers. In fact, we have it on good authority that some men have lost their jobs after these thieving women made away with the company valuables and they could not conjure up a good explanation.

As chips funga culture has become the norm, men have enjoyed the sexual revolution that has defined the Nairobi landscape in the last 10 years.

But the sexual revolution that thawed the prudish nature of women also led to an onslaught of opportunistic women who have made a career of stealing from men who take them to bed in their homes.

This industry has been made even more lucrative by the availability of drugs that some of the women use to sedate unsuspecting individuals. Many a time, men wake up in the afternoon of the following day to an empty house, feeling foolish.

Premises raided

But now men are learning from their mistakes. They are not as stupid as they used to be. And now they are correcting their mistakes. We asked five men who have been robbed, but still pick women up in clubs, how they make sure their premises are not raided.

Those who reside along Thika Road, the vast Eastlands area (mainly Umoja, Buruburu and Donholm), Lang’ata and South B have borne the heaviest brunt of the smooth and conniving women. This is their advice:

Pay with mobile money

Paul Kirui who works as a communication consultant in Nairobi says that he never walks around with cash. “I have all my money in M-Pesa when I go out. I pay my bills with mobile money. It reduces the chances of being robbed,” he advises.

“Always leave your ATM cards at home and carry minimal cash with you so that even if they steal from you, the damage will be minimal,” he argues.

Don’t go home

Boniface Muthui, a 30-year-old events organiser, decided never to take a woman to his apartment. Ever.

“They stole from me twice in Umoja. I picked the women from two of the most popular joints in Umoja (Egesa and Visa Place),” he says, “and they have stolen four laptops and a pricey music system.”

Since then, he says, he’d rather use a lodging.

“And it is a simple test you give women. If she hesitates going with you to a lodging after consenting, then she is probably one of the thieves. Thieves are only eager to drug and take you to your apartment,” he says, claiming that is a good test to know a woman’s intentions. Those interested in sex alone don’t mind. Those with other intentions will think twice.

“The rule of the thumb,” says Arnold Mutai, a 32-year-old information technology specialist, “is to chase her from your apartment as soon as you are done. That is in the hope that she has not drugged you by the time you get home.

As soon as you finish with her, call a taxi or let her board a matatu. And ensure that you close the door well, and enjoy your sleep,” he advises.

Some of these female thieves have been known to be unusually charming and can sweet talk the watchman into letting them out without being searched.

Robinson Ondari, a 27-year-old businessman in Nairobi, says that he tips the watchman and reminds them never to let the woman out without his knowledge. And it has worked.

“I stopped one in her tracks once. Friends have also employed the same strategy and it has worked,” he avers.

Hide the key

Some men hide the keys of their houses where the chips funga cannot find it. Steve Juma, an instructor at a city college, says that he has trapped such women thrice.

“They pack everything and when it is time to leave the house, they discover to their horror that they cannot find the key. No matter how hard they will try, they can never arrange your furniture exactly how it was before,” he explains.

Often, he unleashes his fury on them and makes sure that he has left a physical scar.

“You can never be merciful on them, given their intentions. Two of them drugged me, who knows, maybe they would have killed me,” he says without apology.

Obviously, stealing is wrong but there is never any excuse for unprovoked physical violence.

Ishmael Muati, also advises that you can have a sober friend lock the house for you and then come the following day to open the door.

But all these methods are not fool proof. They only work if you ensure that your drink is not spiked. Also, they work if the woman or women are not working with another gang that is ready to defend them in the event things don’t work out, or if the plan is to rob you on the way home.