Disastrous KCSE results, possible Matiang'i impromptu visit throws teachers in panic

Things have fallen Apart at Meta Meta Mixed day and boarding school. The 2016 KCSE results were a disaster. The school mean has plummeted to 4.9. “Forget about taking selfies at the Great Wall of China next December,” wrote Schola in a text message to colleagues.

The School’s board of management had promised teachers a ‘motivational trip to China if the students’ mean grade improved. “It will not be difficult to convince parents to take you to China if you score as many A’s as schools like Chavakali or Maranda,” the chairman had told us.

Upon realising that the school’s mean score was headed south, the school head, Okonkwo switched off his two phones and temporarily disappeared.

The principal who has only a few years to retirement had particularly looked forward to improved scores and a promotion to the next job group. “I will retire at the level of a senior officer”, he had boasted to some members of his kitchen cabinet. Immediately after the final KCSE paper, the candidates had assured him that they had ‘demolished the papers’.

“Roundi hii mwalimu tutakuweka kwa TV” (we will make sure you appear on television this time) the candidates had bragged. Okonkwo was so overjoyed that he organised an impromptu party for them. After the party, he summoned members of his kitchen cabinet to JJ’s pub where he bought them drinks till the small hours of the morning.

Kadogo, the ageless waitress abandoned other customers to serve Okonkwo and his team. She is rumoured to have staggered home in the morning with tips equivalent to her month’s salary.

The poor results have made Okonkwo irritable. To make matters worse, all the members of the principal’s kitchen cabinet registered very poor mean scores.

Madam Annette who is being groomed for the post of deputy principal had a mean of 3.4 - the worst since Home science was introduced at Meta Meta. Mr Aeneas, on the other hand, had a mean of 7.5 - the highest in the school. The principal had sworn to have him transferred after he challenged his administrative abilities during the end of year party at Mombasa.

Ministry officials

During the opening staff meeting, the principal informed the staff that ministry of education officials would be visiting schools to ensure compliance with the Ministry’s fee guidelines. “I have instructed the bursar to ensure that no parent pays a shilling above the ministry’s figure. In fact I have advised him to charge some less by twenty shillings. I have also withdrawn the circular directing parents where to buy uniform. Form One students can even report in ‘mtumba’ as long as it’s our school colour,” he observed.

Madam Magarita, the CRE teacher said a lengthy prayer whose object was to ask God’s angels to shepherd Matiang’i and his team away from Meta Meta. “We know that these results are the work of the devil who was defeated 2000 years ago! My God, my father, I pray that you will blind the eyes of ministry officials to the low mean score,” she concluded to a thunderous Amen.

“We must be alert in case the CS decides to come here. Class teachers should ensure that their classes are clean and the registers updated. Dorm masters should also make sure that all dormitories are clean and beds well spread. In case an official appears when you are unprepared, hide any dirty bed sheets and blankets away from sight. You should also make sure that you have 2017 schemes of work and lesson plans ready,” he concluded.

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