Only in Kenya: Crazy stuff Kenyans did to celebrate the New Year

 Nakuru residents take a picture of fireworks at 7D club in Nakuru town as the usher in the New year 2017 on January 1,2017.PHOTO:KIPSANG JOSEPH

It’s a given; people world over go bonkers over New Year. And Kenyans are no exception. At the stroke of midnight yesterday, most Kenyans, like lunatics, howled and screamed their lungs out, with others kicking and punching in the air with excitement.

Some puked, peed and crapped on themselves in moments of reckless abandon as they cursed 2016, telling the year that it can as well go to hell.

Others, weird as it may sound, ensured that the symbolic midnight found them deeply engrossed in the throes of passion, wildly ‘plaughing’ away as if their survival into the New Year depended on it!

Crazy stuff done in celebration

Seemingly, Kenyans did crazy things on the night of December 31.

All the madness happened in the name of ‘celebrating and ushering in the New Year’.

“Please, no catching feelings on this night! Dignity, my foot! It’s a spanking brand new year, goddamn it!” Some might have cursed, as they went on to act crazy.

But wait a minute, if you thought Kenyans were only celebrating the fact that they had crossed over to 2017 alive and kicking, think again.

As some were in church, ushering in the New Year with song, dance and prayers, others — who have since lost their voices — were at entertainment joints, wailing like owls and howling like wolves.

“People do crazy stuff. I always usher in the new year with friends at entertainment joints and revellers always do all sorts of weird things, including drinking more than enough alcohol, only to strip naked, puke on fellow party goes and fight,” says Paul Ochieng, a taxi driver.

He adds that some people chew black out in the process, only to wake up in the New Year.

Or drink themselves silly and engage in all sorts of oddities, like a crazy case he once witnessed.

“A man unashamedly whip out his ‘weapon of mass procreation’ and proceeded to pee on the Christmas tree at his in-laws, even as his mother-in-law tried to stop him in vain,” he says.

Those who yelled, “Happy New Year” in frustration

Some, like a certain Fabian, a city-based Marketer, were screaming and shouting like obsessed individuals because their worlds were seemingly ending, at least, financially speaking.

“What else were some of us left with other than wailing out of frustration after spending all our cash, celebrating Christmas?

“Travel expenses on inflated upcountry trips, blowing up cash meant for school fees and January rent on decorating Christmas trees...

“Buying beer and roasting goats to impress relatives, village mates and friends explain the empty pockets,” agonises Fabian, as he jokes about the possibility of government intervening by subsidizing first term school fees!

According to the self-confessed cynic, with no money to start the new year with, some men were screaming their lungs out to vent the prospects of a torturous January, as they cursed why they are married!

“Some men woke up irritable and with massive hangovers on the 1st of January and regretted having families and relative.

“In fact, with all their needs and expenses in the absence of cash, they looked like a pack of hungry hyenas, baying for their (the man of the house’s) blood,” chuckles Fabian.

Fabian says, there are cash-strapped men who were wailing not to usher in the new year per se, but did so out of frustration whilst secretly wishing they disappeared from their families without a trace.

“Others were screaming ‘Happy New Year’ out of anger and irritation as they wished they wake up as bachelors on 1st of January,” he laughs.

Celebrating to be alive, in love

According to one Edward, a journalist, another reason why some Kenyans screamed like lunatics at the stroke of midnight on December 31st was because they could not believe that they were alive!

In this country, the journalist says, anything and everything is an agent of death:

“From the devastatingly beautiful stranger who hits on you in a night club, your own wife; boy, oh boy we all know the rampancy of killer wives in this country, reckless matatu drivers and the whole shebang”.

Put differently, Kenyans are always looking over their shoulders, January to December, the journalist agonises.

In his view, around here, the poor worry about food, survival or just existance, dawn to dusk.

“Others are in shaky relationships and marriages or in unstable jobs. Basically, these Kenyans live throughout the year not knowing when they will be fired, dumped or divorced or killed. So clearly, you can see why those screams are justified,” Edward giggles.

“We all fear death. Throughout the year, as some people died or survived death by a whisker or got maimed in accidents or in the hands of thugs, some of us ended the year safely.

“Thus, those wails were a form of thanks for survival to God and thus in order,” Edward says, adding that screaming, “Happy New Year...Happy New Year...” repeatedly is just another Kenyan way of sighing, “Phew! At least armed robbers, bandits, reckless matatu drivers, deadly bacteria, witchcraft, cattle rustlers, stray bullets spared me!”

Those unhappy with New Year

It’s, however, important to note that the New Year is a bag of mixed fortunes to some people.

Actually, not everyone is happy. To some, it brings a lot of shame and embarrassment.

Take, for instance, that busybody in your office who always criticises the employer, gossips about the boss, always whines about how low the pay is and incites colleagues.

The dude yapped to no end about how boring the work place is, swearing to everyone who cared to listen that he will resign at the end of the year, only for him to sheepishly crawl in the office in January, to the amusement of everyone.

What’s more, the fellow bragged about the many better job opportunities he has ‘out there’ and made it look like his human resource and expertise is the best thing to happen to the employer since sliced boflo!

The scoundrel now has nowhere to hide his embarrassed face. He is now a laughing stock.

Each time he passes by, colleagues giggle, exchange knowing looks and mumble to each other, “Look at that idiot. Isn’t he the same bugger who was parroting about resigning?”

Obviously, such a fellow had every reason not to be happy about New Year.

Odd reasons why some screamed, “Happy New Year”

There are those who yelled, “Happy New Year” in celebration because they have been screwing other people’s wives, husbands and, gross as it sounds, their mother-in-law or father-in-law and, yay, another year has lapsed without being caught!

Better yet, there are men who secretly installed a second or even third wife on the other side of town or have been ‘banging’ the house girl and, wow, another year has rolled over without their wives discovering that dirty little secret or even getting pregnant.

Of course, such types had every reason to be thrown into delirium and scream in celebration.

For others, it was a “Happy New Year!” because they sired a child with a secret lover and their husbands have been raising the kid without knowing and another year has lapsed without the cat getting out of the bag.

For some men, it was a “Happy New year” because they impregnated the house girl and another year has lapsed, without her revealing the dirty little secret to wife!

For others, they were actively involved in all sorts of scandals, including NYS scam, yet a year has lapsed without being mentioned in any of the reports.

Others have also been involved in many other scams yet this was the third, fourth or fifth year and no whistle blower has stumbled on any of the scandals.

All in all, Happy New Year to you our reader!