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The changing face of Uganda’s church and chilling Illuminati stories

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The changing face of Uganda’s church and chilling Illuminati stories

Churches have been big business for a while, and like all businesses, they compete to get the biggest share from the mwananchi’s pocket. It is no longer enough to have a hoarse voice or a choir with angelic faces and voices as crowd pullers. This generation is so far gone that it needs special gimmicks to get them onto hallowed ground.

The first pastor to change how the game is played gave us ‘Celebrity Sundays’. This was a Sunday when our local celebrities — regardless of faith and denomination — would be in charge of the service. The celebs would serve as ushers, give testimonies and of course sing in the choir once in a while. The church would be packed to the rafters. This fad soon faded and normalcy returned to worship, causing the church coffers to start dwindling as there were fewer worshipers.

The advent of the prosperity gospel had many sowing a seed to enable the pastor buy a monster ride, because ‘God does not want his messenger to walk on the street and wear out his shoes’.

The more you paid the stronger the prayers. Things began to go awry when pastors began to borrow against church title deeds and to traffic church youth. This is when Government stepped in and decided to impose a tax requiring all churches to be registered, further depleting the oceans of free cash.

Today, Illuminati is the word on everyone’s lips especially because you must be willing to sacrifice your soul for untold riches and fame. Many are wondering where to take their useless souls for cold hard cash and have enough left over to buy another soul like a multi-level marketing scheme. Illuminati is a supposedly secret sect, comprised of the most powerful and richest people in the world.

Angry sect members

The whispers began when a prominent musician’s brother was killed in a bar brawl and the Illuminati were blamed. According to the rumours AK 47, singer Chameleone’s brother, had just gotten saved thus annoying members of the sect. Our local tabloid was quick to jump on the story and carry out in-depth research to unleash a list of the Ugandan Illuminati.

The pastors and celebrities featured on the list had me thinking that money had been poured to lure gullible and curious people into patronising those churches. I am one of the curious ones who attended service at a certain church when I read that the pastor is the head of the local Illuminati sect.

Apparently, the chosen pastors get powers to heal when they suckle on her 12 nipples. I wanted to see her in real life so as to spot where the extra nipples would fit on her generous bosom.

The churches these pastors lead must have had a pact with the tabloid and are laughing all the way to the bank. Their services have been well-attended in the recent days with many curious worshipers and others seeking healing and wealth regardless of where it comes from.

However, only a gullible person would believe that a struggling musician could have been wooed by the sect, unless of course it was because of her nude pics. Another musician on the list is well known for bar brawls and a few hits but his round of bad luck proves he cannot be Illuminati. I wonder why our rich

Ugandans with properties equivalent to a district were not on the list — are they the real Illuminati? Time will tell.

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