Most ridiculous online advice that Kenyan women fall for

By Crazy Monday Team | 8yrs ago | 8 min read

In our investigations on the conduct of Kenyan men and women on social media, the latter have come off as desperate for advice and more gullible than their male counterparts.

Sample this: A man surnamed Muli could not figure out why he had suddenly fattened with his backside growing abnormally big. He also couldn’t understand why he had begun sweating like a pig during morning hours, even when it was cold.

The poor man had also suddenly developed a habit of breaking wind regularly, with his stomach rumbling loudly and embarrassing him in public, especially in meetings.

Disastrous libido booster

Hear him agonise: “Last year, within a very short time, my butt had really grown big, and became chubby almost like that of a woman. I began sweating anyhowly [sic] and my stomach never gave me a break; it regularly produced loud bowel sounds, and I just couldn’t stop farting”.

Interestingly, his case became so serious that he had to seek medical attention. The doctor examined him and asked if there was a change in his diet.

“That is when it hit me that there is this porridge my wife had been serving me, which could have been responsible,” he says.

It came to him as shock when his wife confessed that indeed the porridge could be responsible. She said she had been preparing it using a concoction and formula she picked from a Facebook group, after a member suggested it as the best — get this — libido booster!

Muli is not alone. Several other men have reported to Crazy Monday some weird experiences their women have shocked them with, all in the name of ‘advice they read or heard somewhere’.

A certain Choge is still reeling from shock after he discovered his girlfriend has been keeping used condoms with his semen. Apparently, the woman had been duped by a friend in a Facebook group that if she used the semen to clean her face, it would rid it of pimples. Would you believe that?

Semen as pimples remedy

“I almost fainted from shock when I stumbled on the stored, used condoms, complete with semen. When I asked her, she told me a friend advised her it’s the best remedy for the pimples on her face. That a whole university graduate would do such nonsense, passed to her as advice, shocked me,” says a giggly Choge.

It does sound strange, but some international cosmetic companies have actually synthesised a compound found in semen into a facial cream. The compound is believed to diminish wrinkles and help with taming or preventing acne.

But sperm is not the only strange thing women are being advised to use on their skin. Recently, a local TV girl she confessed on her show to having used toothpaste to rid her face of a pimple - in vain - after a friend advised her to.

And if you thought Choge’s is the funniest advice women are dispensing on social media, think again. The hundreds of responses some woman got from her friends in a female-only group after posting the following question will get you rolling on the ground with laughter.

“I made love to my new dude, and you don’t want to know what he does when he climaxes; instead of ejaculating, the guy continuously farts and poops! He told me not to worry because he always poops instead of ejaculating. Aki huyu ni mtu wa aina gani? Hakuna sperm yawa! Anyone with a solution for this?”

The madness that Kenyans, especially woman, take to social media is mind-boggling!

Kenyan women are online to learn, seek advice, vent and have a hearty laugh. In their quest, many have been lied to, given the wrong advice and others even conned.

One such platform notorious for crazy posts is ‘Kilimani Mums Nairobi Uncensored’, a women-only, closed group with over 30,000 members. The group provides the perfect platform to share frivolous posts, comments and opinions.

Desperate to bed mad man

Strange things are posted on the page. Take for instance, a recent post jokingly asking about recipes for cooking and turning condoms into food, because that seems to be the only thing most men carry when they visit single women’s houses.

And if you think that’s strange, then you have not heard about the woman dying to take to bed the naked mad man she sees loitering in her estate. Reason?

She can’t stop thinking about his big manhood! This is after one woman had entertained others with a tale of how great and pleasurable men who are ‘well-endowed’ down there are.

What about the embattled character who got impregnated by her white boyfriend, but is worried her Kenyan hubby will kill her if she gives birth to a white kid, thus was asking for advice on how to make the baby in her womb turn black?

Agnes Kagendo*, a Nairobi-based public relations officer and a member of the group says she sees all manner of posts and advice on the page.

Lies on tightening privates

“It is a matter of one taking stuff with a pinch of salt, lest they are misled. There is advice ranging from how to enhance libido by eating lots of pepper and how to use garlic and lemon juice to tighten a woman’s private parts, to more bizarre things like drinking copious amounts of ice cold water immediately after unprotected sex to avoid pregnancy,” says Agnes, unsuccessfully holding back giggles. She adds, “I’m purely in the group for the comic relief it provides”.

There are women, just like Kagendo* who know that the kind of advice offered in these groups is not sane, but many others take it to heart and even try it out, of course, with disastrous results.

Elva Akinyi*, a 23-year-old university student, saw a post on how to tighten her private parts and decided to follow the ‘advice’.

“I chopped pieces of garlic and put them into my vagina, just as advised. I left them there overnight. I removed them and rinsed ‘it’ with warm water mixed with lemon juice,” Akinyi* explains to this writer without battling an eye lid.

Akinyi* confesses that she is lucky she didn’t catch an infection. Her roommate was not so lucky. “That was the last piece of advice I took from social media,” she says.

Botched abortions

For others, the kind of advice they take from these platform is outrageous. It beats logic that many do not think that some of the advice given could be harmful, as some of it is given from a mocking or sarcastic point of view.

Phyllis Wanyama*, a single mother of two who runs her own salon, came across a “how to abort at home” post on yet another all-female group and decided to try it.

“I was desperate for a cheap solution, and I somehow thought the advice given would help. I boiled the Coca Cola soda as advised, took it hot and waited for a miscarriage to occur in vain, “ an embarrassed Wanyama* confesses.

Yet another post this writer came across was that of a woman being advised to mix Jik, Omo, Vim and Dettol and drink it so as to induce an abortion.

Anxious to please men

This kind of posts and resulting disasters on social media make one wonder, “Are Kenyan women this gullible and desperate for advice?”

Jackson Mwendwa*, a member of many all-female secret Facebook groups under a female pseudonym says the kind of desperation women exhibit on these pages is out of this world.

“Women are trying too hard to please men. Some, in their quest, go to outrageous extremes. I have seen some HIV negative women confess that they use ARVs, and others chicken feed, to enhance curves and maintain glowing skins. Others are using family planning pills to make their hair grow long. And others use juice extracted from onions for the same purpose! Totally unbelievable!” Jack chuckles, disbelief registered on his face.

Women are not only seeking advice on social media platforms, they are also flooding radio call-in shows and reaching out to newspaper agony aunts.

Important to note also, is the fact that, at call-in radio programs, men mostly call to air their views whilst women call in to ask for advice.

Peter Mureithi*, an editor observes that it’s mostly women who flood agony aunt’s mail boxes with ‘please help...’ and ‘please advise...’

Vulnerable to cons, lies

“Women call radio stations a lot, more than men, and it’s this kind of curiosity that had made them vulnerable to cons and lies. Same thing with social media,” Mureithi* says, adding on a light note that women’s vulnerability started with Eve in the Garden of Eden.

This desperation has led to many of them not only being lied to or given wrong advice, but also being conned.

It is evident from posts on ‘Buyer Beware’, a Kenyan Facebook group for exposing cons, that women are more vulnerable to cons than men.

Angela Kanini*, a social worker with a local NGO confesses to having been conned of Sh5,000 on the ‘Vuteni Stool Niwape Udaku’ Facebook group. She was trying to buy a special concoction for enhancing her curves, and make her posterior bigger.

“I have used the cream for the last two months, with no sign of change as claimed and the seller’s number has since gone off,” whines Kanini.

Posts about ‘Emotional cons’ are also rampant on Kilimani Mums Uncensored, with a recent post exposing a single Kenyan man who labelled himself as an “eligible bachelor” who had slept with tens of women in the group. This post went viral, even getting attention from ‘Buyer Beware’ members who are mostly interested in money and financial cons.

Blame lack of testosterone

It’s also important to note that women also pay more than men when buying goods.

A marketer who spoke on condition of anonymity confessed, “It’s easy to overcharge a woman, than a man, without her suspecting anything!”

However, men also seek advice and are gullible, but women beat them at it hands down.

This kind of vulnerability women show online leaves a lot to be desired, and has even caused scientists and researchers sleepless nights.

Apparently, women’s lack of a hormone —which men have in abundance — called testosterone, is the reason they are more gullible and less socially intelligent.

Scientific findings have proved that the hormone, which is associated with dominance and success, makes men less trusting, overly alert, more cautious and less likely to get suckered in by what they read or hear in media.