Habits of Nairobi neighbours from hell

“Love your neighbour as you love yourself,” Jesus intoned two thousand years ago. Clearly, the Saviour of humankind was a bit of an amateur in the neighbour relations department.

He could be forgiven for that little oversight - after all, he had arrived on earth having spent more or less an eternity living with God himself as a neighbour. Oh yeah, the Good Book tells us that Satan had been banned from heaven - and cast into hell, halleluyia - for bad behaviour.

I swear to God, Nairobi needs Jesus. Reason? Neighbours in Nairobi seem to be right from Hell itself. And the nefarious habits that make these majirani a nightmare to live close to are as varied as are the neighbours themselves.

At the top of the list is the self-declared “businessman” neighbour. This type is almost always a man, and is convinced in his own head that he is the next Bill Gates.

He will be found converting his house into a kiosk of sorts, either as a small retail duka, or some other pointless endeavour like a hair salon with just two chairs - the room is so tiny anyway.

The more considerate ones set up pubs in their houses, but this is reserved for nice neighbours, so that doesn’t count. If you have really annoyed the Good Lord - most likely with your drinking habits, He will send you a neighbour who has visions of running a welding shop.

This fella will then proceed to turn your entire neighbourhood into one huge din as he cuts and welds and sandpapers metal deep into the night. If you are particularly unlucky, you might end up with a neighbour who runs a restaurant in his spare bedroom, in which case giant rats will become commonplace in your house. And then there are the neighbours with bad bedroom manners. Houses in Nairobi are packed as closely as the proverbial sardines, and landlords are so mean with their construction money that walls are typically paper-thin. That means you can hear everything your neighbour does and says, a fact that is more a curse than a blessing.

Drunken Nairobians are typically given to extremely loud - and typically ineffective - carnal acrobatics when there is no electricity, which is most of the time in Kenya.

Woe unto you if you have kids, for the little imps will quickly figure out what the neighbours do most of the time, and might even be tempted to give it a try themselves.

Sometimes, such neighbours are so hellish that they extend their appetites across the fence and try to feast on spouses that belong elsewhere! And then there are the show-off neighbours. When they buy a new bicycle or radio to listen to salaams, they must let you know.

When the family has beef for dinner, you will be informed somehow. The irony is, of course, that these sorts of neighbours also happen to be poor money managers - like most Kenyans, let’s face it - and so three days after they show off their shiny new bicycle, they will send their kids round to borrow a cup of sugar from you!

Living in Nairobi is enough of a nightmare without having to put up with the indignities of bad neighbours. Perhaps the Rent Tribunal should set up a complaints commission - we love commissions in Kenya you know - where we can all go rant and rave and whine about how the nasty folks next door are driving us insane. Behave, Nairobians, behave!