Guide to stealing, selling a goat for a quick money!

Some time back we talked about how you can make money ahead of the Christmas season. First, you can hitchhike a ride, drug the driver, steal the car and sell it!

Alternatively, you can hire or buy a gun and stage robberies on deserted sections of a highway, of course, at your own risk!

Better still, if you are a coward and fear dying, you can go into goat stealing and selling. It requires very little capital investment; all you need is a car, fuel, strong hands and a sneaky accomplice.

Goat dressed in maxi dress

Police recently stopped a boda boda for overloading; there appeared to be three people on the bike.

Upon closer inspection, the officer noticed that the ‘passenger’ in the middle was actually a goat dressed in a hood, complete with a maxi dress!

The officer was dumbstruck for a moment, and even jumped away at first in horror, thinking it was a woman-turned goat due to witchcraft (oh yes, witchcraft is very common in Uganda)!

The second traffic officer was made of sterner stuff and approached the pair to find out what the commotion was about.

The pair sheepishly confessed that they were broke and had just stolen a stray goat off the road and dressed it up for easy transportation to avoid being busted. How smart!

They were quickly bundled off into a police truck, with the evidence to be charged.

I doubt the case or the goat will make it to the first hearing as there is no complaint from the owner and who will feed it as it awaits to be presented in court as evidence? And how about if the case is postponed for a longer period of time?

This tale reminds me of a friend who also told me of what his brother does every other weekend, when he is broke.

My friends brother owns a Toyota Noah. All he does is fuel it, buy a newspaper, remove the back seats and fill the space with banana peels and nappier grass. He then drives upcountry and parks strategically near some grazing goats.

Leaving a door open, and busying himself with a newspaper on the other side, allows the smell of banana peels to waft towards the curious goats.

All he has to do is count how many have hopped into the car, and whether he has recouped his fuel, shopping and incidentals.

Happy goats

While the goats are happily engaged in munching on the sumptuous bounty, he will stealthily close the car door and drive off.

Don’t pretend to be shocked, some of you know someone who when faced with a herd of goats blocking a road, simply opens the car door, grabs the nearest one and drives off.

I am reliably informed some Kenyans do this all the time.

These are skills many people honed during their teen years when they were responsible for the disappearance of many neighborhood chickens.

This constant practice of duck and swipe has stood them in good stead when securing an agile goat to be turned into stew.

I mean, it’s not like when you eat a stolen goat it bleats and announces that you stole it!

My friend told me the only fear his brother has is stealing a goat whose owner consults witchdoctors because that can be dangerous. Who doesn’t fear witchcraft? There you have it. Stop complaining about how broke you are this