I thought of committing suicide- Kaki Mwihaki of the Adawnage band

By Peris Wambugu | 5yrs ago | 4 min read

Mwihaki, member of award-winning Adawnage Band walked down the aisle in a glamorous wedding in 2015. But after what she terms as an agonising union dogged by “irreconcilable differences” she quietly divorced her husband.

Coming out of the depressing silence, Mwihaki reveals what was remaining was to bid the world “adios” through whatever means available. Even asking her creator to take her life.

“You know, there is pain only God can heal. I experienced it. A pain that almost had me committing suicide, a pain that suffocated all reasoning and caused me to be numb; physically, emotionally and spiritually numb” she reveals.

She tells her painful journey thus; “I sunk into depression and battled my lowest ever! I came face to face with rock bottom and it was my dwelling place. I had nothing to look forward to and being alive was nothing but pain. I prayed that he may take my life but, morning after morning, he kept me”.

She says; “Worshipping God was my only way out-not jumping into a new relationship, not getting a drink at the bar, not going on a road trip, not forming new social circles, not getting ‘my sexy back’, not going on a revenge mission but a total surrendering of myself to God. The more I heard his word, the more I healed. The more my faith grew and little by little his restoration was all around me”.

“The real reason I filed for divorce is personal and being the Christian that I am, I have decided not to expose him as this will ruin his reputation. He made me go through shame but I would not want it to affect his family and I believe that this the right thing to do. My reasons remain to be “irreconcilable differences”.

“The truth is well known to my family, the court of law, my marriage counsellor and the friends who intervened and that gives me peace”.

“Silenced by divorce. Marital counselling, pastoral guidance, interventions from family and close friends amidst emotional turmoil was part of the journey I had to walk through”.

“My marriage ended three years ago, the divorce was made absolute this year. I stand in awe of God, continually receiving his restoration, healing for my brokenness and I am assured that now more than ever, God never gives up on me. I had to be still, cast my worries to him and only then did I come to know the one who speaks and storms obey”.

The separation remained a rumour as the couple remained mum and off public glare, especially the husband who has remained a mystery but on Valentine Day Kaki and the band released Ready to Love, a song that she now says was to set record straight.

“I realised I have to be clear about these things, lest I send out the wrong message” she explains.

Kaki later decided to take some time off the band.

“It was however a personal decision to step aside for a while to concentrate on this solo project because of the personal story tied to it. I did not want to “stain” the band with my personal issues as that would be unfair.”

She quotes Psalms119:17 thus: It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees, the scripture that has kept her going throughout this phase in her life.

“Marriage is a beautiful institution created by God and ordained by him for his glory. Sadly, only a few people get the technicalities of this institution right. Three years of marriage, a quiet five-month separation, followed by divorce, is not usually the blueprint in any girl’s plan. Yet, this is where I found myself after exhausting all avenues to salvage my marriage; I made the decision to file for divorce, based on my understanding of my options.

The divorce literally silenced me. I felt I couldn’t come out and talk about it, the stigma and depression of it all shut me, the church also almost requires to remain silent about it because love covers a multitude of sins. I was silenced. Silenced by shame”.

She goes on “It is time I uncover my fears, my shame, uncover my wounds and share the healing I found in God. I’ve put together a collection of songs written during my ‘years in silence’ and I began a solo project.

“I’d like to express a special thank you to my family for standing by me throughout and supporting me in every way possible. I’m grateful and blessed beyond measure by my friends and most especially The Adawnage Band for keeping me grounded in the word” Kaki concludes.