Let’s dump politicians and get ourselves a monarch

By Peter Wanyonyi

Kenya: In Kenya, a crippling teachers’ strike, childish political intrigue over the candidacy of the Makueni senatorial by-election, and the usual ‘scapegoating’ of one series of Kenyans by another here and there was the order of the day last week.

But across the big sea over in Britain, the nation seemed united as everyone awaited the birth of some lucky brat. Number-crunchers claimed the son born to Prince William and his wife Catherine, stands to inherit a billion dollars. And, of course, he will most likely be King of Britain a few decades from now.

There was no last-minute dash to the Court of Appeals to protest the possible parentage of the child. And no one called a press conference to claim the child was not a bona-fide Windsor scion. There was a certain niceness to the order and the genuine happiness of the British — or rather, the English among them. Perhaps this is what we need in Kenya; a real, living, breathing royal family.

Unity

So impressive was the acceptance of the baby, in fact, that even in Kenya, middle-class idlers took to social media to laud the birth. Africans, living in Africa, who wouldn’t be caught dead celebrating the birth of an African child from a rival tribe, were all finding common cause with the royal birth, thousands of miles away.

Aside from the incongruity of it all, Queen Elizabeth II was a monarch when Dedan Kimathi, among other Kenyan heroes of independence, was hanged for daring to agitate for the return of our stolen lands to our people.

Anyway, our raucous divisiveness would disappear in days, if not hours, if we had a real, genuine royal family. To ensure that there is unity across all tribes, our sovereigns would need to be men. That way, they can marry a wife from each of our 42 ever-quarreling tribes. This would serve to unify us, in much the same way that King Mswati of Swaziland unifies his people by marrying a few bare-chested maidens every year, each from a different corner of his kingdom.

More importantly, there would be no elections. Our so-called democracy is the source of most of our friction. We fight over the spoils of rigged elections like hyenas scavenging for a kill.

But a monarch would simply outlaw democracy and hand-pick his cabinet and a few MPs. This way, they can be dismissed immediately if wananchi feel that they are not delivering. Like in the case of Jordan’s King Abdullah II who is now on his third or fourth cabinet in a couple years, always sacking them when they fall behind their promises. Try sacking a clerk in Kenya; you will know people!

Finally, we might even get improved services. Imagine our very own princess going to deliver a baby at Pumwani Maternity Hospital. The giant mess that is Kenya’s only specialised maternity facility would be spruced up, medicines would appear from nowhere, doctors would cancel their go-slows, and wards would get new linen and smiling nurses.

Surely, isn’t that worth tolerating a monarch for?