Why eating Kenyans is bad for you

By Ted Malanda

In Kenya, things don’t get planned — they sort of just happen. One day, a mama starts selling boiled maize by the roaside and three years later, a slum has mushroomed around her.

That is why I’m a little concerned about a new trend where Kenyans have taken to cutting up human beings and eating them for dinner.

It started rather innocently. A suspect was arrested for kidnapping and murder and then he shocked everyone by claiming he had been drinking his victims’ blood.

Even before we were done getting shocked, another cannibal emerged in Naivasha. Methinks that was what set off a new Kenyan peculiarity — eating each other. In recent times, two people have been killed and eaten and I worry that if nothing is done, it is not just donkeys and dogs that will start ending up in our mutura and samosa.

Cancer

Frankly, I think that would be just about the most idiotic thing anyone can do. Cannibalism is a horrid idea, but you would have to be rather brainless to munch a Kenyan.

If you reflect on the fact that cows, which only eat vegetation, cause all manner of lethal ailments like cancer, it would be suicide to chew a Kenyan.

Let’s begin with the tenderness of the, uh, meat. Kenyans work too hard with the crudest of tools, walk too long in the sun, sleep too little on lousy beds and worse mattresses and eat bad food on the rare occasion when they can afford it.

Hammer

What this means is that the scoundrel who slaughters a Kenyan would have to boil the meat for two days, after hammering it with a hammer to tenderise it in the manner that chefs bang crocodile meat.

And because healthcare is too costly, practically every Kenyan walks around with life threatening diseases and parasites — from chronic typhoid to jiggers. In the event that they took some medication, it was either the wrong one or counterfeit or an under dose or overdose.

Thus, to slaughter a Kenyan and munch his bones is akin to imbibing concentrated poison unless you washed the meat in formalin.

Speaking of formalin, that is probably the most important reason why no one in his or her right senses should ever chew a Kenyan.

We drink illicit brews that have been brewed in the most unhygienic conditions and seasoned with all manner of toxic rubbish. And we drink it in copious amounts.

There are thousands of dingy pubs where zombies who haven’t eaten for two weeks stagger to the counter, down a toxic substance in one gulp, and then stagger out and collapse in the gutter.

Such a fellow will not have bathed for months either because he has no water or doesn’t care. He will not have been dewormed. His body will bear all manner of scars, the result of numerous beatings. His skin and muscles will be tougher than a rawhide because of living it rough.

And you honestly want to carve such a Kenyan into slabs of steak and boil him for dinner?