Bicycle theft is a royal thing

By Ted Malanda

My people, the illustrious citizens of Nabongo Mumias’ Wanga Kingdom, do not insist they have royal blood for nothing.As I never tire of telling everyone who cares to listen, the name Wanga rhymes with Muwanga, once Kabaka of Buganda, meaning our royal blood has roots in distant places.

It would not even surprise me if Africa’s last true monarch, the one and only King Mswati of Swaziland, him of the annual reed dance, did not in one way or another spring from our loins.

Paramount

The British knew this all along, reason they did the reasonable thing and pretended to appoint the old Nabongo paramount chief. Why would anyone appoint you to a position you already hold by virtue of several ancient spears wrapped around the central pole of your first wife’s hut, and the royal bracelet — the omukasa — on your wrist?

It is perhaps in recognition of the old leader’s sagacious leadership that he was invited to visit England — on a smoky steamship, of course.The excuse given was that he was on a sightseeing tour or something related to King Edward’s coronation in 1902.

But even children knew that the real purpose of the visit was for  King Edward and King Mumia of Wanga to hold fruitful and cordial discussions on diplomatic and business issues affecting their two friendly nations.

Battle

But alas, the old Nabongo, at the first sight of the endless mass of water that is the Indian Ocean, decided he had better things to do in Elureko, his capital city, than set sail for distant lands.So he went back home and acquired the first bicycle in his kingdom — a contraption that would henceforth define his empire in a manner he would never have imagined.

Bicycles are such a vital part of the landscape that when people die, they are an item in the Will lest families battle it out over who has sole bicycle inheritance rights.So important are bicycles that they are at the core of the only two sectors of the local economy that realise continued growth annually — petty theft and the boda boda business.

For as long as I can remember, agile thieves have paid dowry and raised children on the proceeds of bicycle theft. It is said that they are so swift that they can swipe your bike and peddle away when you pause  to lean forward and blow your nose.And now with the advent of boda boda taxis, the bicycle-thieving sector has grown from strength to strength.

Now imagine my shock when I learnt that in Oxford, England, bicycles are not just, like in Mumias, part of the culture. They get stolen left, right and centre as well! 

Vanished

As a matter of fact, between April 2009 and March 2010, Google says Brits stole 2,137 bikes in Oxford. In Cambridge, 2,500 bikes vanished in thin air in 2009.

So if ever evidence of the ties between the royals of the Wanga Kingdom and those of the House of Windsor was needed, bicycle theft it is.