When intimacy takes a back seat after motherhood begins

Do not look at intimacy only from a physical perspective. Share responsibility for the child (Photo: Gemini)

When a woman gives life, intimacy tends to take a back seat. A child introduces a new dynamic into the relationship, as attention is no longer shared in the same way, as the mother takes a big chunk of the parental responsibility.

Psychologist Hellen Staula acknowledges that some of the difficult experiences mothers go through during this time, such as weight gain, hormonal fluctuation, physical pain, fatigue, exhaustion, surgical recovery, emotional drain, sleep problems, and loss of sense of self, can affect emotional and physical intimacy.

Even without a clinical condition, mothers experience shame and confusion, but they are unable to identify them. Some women want closeness, while others want space, though they may not express it.

Therefore, a woman who is exhausted will not be ready for intimacy. Hellen says that intimacy can be redefined if the mother receives support from her spouse. She also needs patience and a sense of safety.

She encourages exploring non-sexual forms of intimacy like being present, checking on her, holding her, listening to her, and letting her head rest on your chest. Attend to her physical, emotional and mental needs.

“Do not look at intimacy only from a physical perspective. Share responsibility for the child. Let her rest while you prepare a meal. Support her emotionally before expecting anything physical,” she says.

Hellen says that a man may feel left out or think he is no longer needed, but the mother needs him more than ever, just in different ways. Some men withdraw physically or emotionally, especially when faced with the constant demands of a newborn.

Creating a safe space for each other by accommodating difficult conversations. It is better to talk and find common ground than to be silent and drift apart.

“Express your needs honestly without blame or judgment. Listen to each other with empathy. Don’t be defensive. Keep checking in with each other and with the new life you are building together,” she says.

Reconnecting, she adds, depends on maturity, shared values and readiness for parenthood. When couples are not aligned and there is inconsistency, poor communication, or a lack of support, distance grows. Similarly, stress and exhaustion can cause misunderstandings.

“If a man does not understand what a woman’s body has gone through, he may misinterpret her withdrawal. He may feel rejected, while she is simply overwhelmed,” she explains.

The wellbeing of the mother impacts the wellbeing of the relationship.

“When a woman is supported, she feels fulfilled, grounded, and able to give back to the relationship.